welcome to the twilight zone

in exactly 5 days, i will be participating in a wedding celebration that is straight out of the twilight zone. this is not an exaggeration. it is the absolute truth. here are the facts:

*the groom is the bf's father.
*the bride has three grown children.
*the groom has two children, including the bf.
*the bride has one grandchild, born of her lesbian daughter's "wife".
*the groom has two grandchildren, the bf's two sons.
*the wedding is quite large for a second wedding, with approximately 150 guests.

i have only been dating the bf for a smidge over a year. i do not know the bride or the groom all that well, really. we've had a few birthday dinners together, been to their home for a couple of holiday dinners, seen them at the boys' t-ball games a time or two.

now, for some of the very odd facts:

*the bride and groom rented a $137 tux for my three year old son to hand out programs.
*the bride requested that i purchase my five year old daughter a black and/or white dress, she will also be handing out programs.
*the bride requested that i purchase myself a black dress. this attire was requested so that i will fit into the black & white theme of their wedding and will match the rest of the party when "family" pictures are taken. (family? i'm not family, am i?)
*i can pretty much guarantee that the ex-wife and her boyfriend will be included in the family pictures. (i am not making this up, either)
*the bride and groom asked if i would take candid photos in addition to the professional photographer they have hired.
*last week, the bride asked me if i would be her personal attendant.
(yes, i am to be the personal attendant, a photographer, and also need to watch over my three and five year olds as they hand out programs.)

and now for the biggest kicker:
*the bf's ex-wife and her boyfriend are the host and hostess of the wedding. (no, i am not making this up.)

to say that i am dreading this affair is a major understatement. i have been trying to come up with some sort of near-fatal illness that will render me unable to fulfill my duties. lucky for me i did find a hot dress to wear in the event that i am unable to fabricate an excuse for my absense:



Dress: Ann Taylor, $98
Shoes: TBD, $59?
Hair: $75
Nails: $49
Attending your possible future father-in-law's wedding along with your bf's ex wife: Priceless.

my 15 minutes of fame

Here are the very thought-provoking interview questions sent to me by my favorite blogosphere author, the talented and lovely Maurey Pierce.

1) You have two gorgeous children. Which was worse, being pregnant or giving birth? Why? (Please use the words "placenta," "belly," and "epidural" in your answer.)

Giving birth was definitely worse than being pregnant. I kind of liked being pregnant, even though I got absolutely HUGE while pregnant with my first child. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I gained almost 50 pounds. I have so many ugly stretch marks on my belly now that I will NEVER again be seen in a bikini, even though I am now 75 pounds lighter than I was while preggo and in better shape than I've been in for over 10 years.

Read this: when I birthed my darling little babies, the hospital in my city did not offer epidurals. For real. I had to go virtually drug free. I don't recommend it. What I do recommend however, is having the doctor show you the placenta after you have the baby. For real. Because hey, how many people can say they've seen a placenta up close?

2) This is a common one, but it's a good one. If Iran called up W tomorrow and said that "the bomb" was on its way to our Midwestern homes, what would you serve up for dinner? (You can use a combination of homemade and restaurant fare, if you like.) And who would you invite to share in the feast?

Appetizers: Unlimited chips and salsa from our local mexican restaurant. Cauliflower with veggie dip. Ruffles potato chips with Top the Tater for dipping. Bacon wrapped water chesnuts. Taco dip and tortilla chips.

Salad: Olive Garden

Main Course: Chicken lettuce wraps, beef and broccoli, lemon chicken and white rice from PF Changs. Cheesy potatoes. Mushroom stroganoff from Noodles & Company. Crab legs. Broiled scallops. Chicken fettuccini alfredo. Lasagna.

Drinks: Straberry Daquaris, Peach Margaritas, Cherry Coke, Muscato di Asti wine.

Bread: Oodles and oodles of breads. Yum. Oh, and bagels too.

Dessert: Every kind of cheesecake imaginable. Oh, and those frosted cut-out cookies from that bakery in Fort Dodge, Iowa that my KC BFF brought for me at Christmas time. They are to die for!

Cigarettes: Marlboro Lights. (No, I don't smoke anymore, but hey, if we're going to die anyway, why not puff a few?)

The guest list:
The bf
My children and the bf's children
My sisters and their families
My mom, stepdad and grandparents
My bff's

Nope, no one famous. I do like my trashy tabloid website and occasional people magazine, but I have absolutely no celebrity crushes or obsessions.


3) Would you rather ... be born with a refrigerator on your back, or have your saliva permanently transmuted to urine? As any high school English teacher would say, you gotta back up your answer.

Though it might be fun to spew saliva at certain poeple, I'd have to choose being born with a refrigerator on my back. Think of what a hit I would be at parties!

"Hey DDG, can you grab another cold one for me baby?"

"Sure!" I would reply. "Just reach into the handy dandy refrigerator on my back and grab one."

"Thanks DDG, you're the best! I've never met a girl like you before. Wanna move into my double wide trailer and be my personal mobile fridge?"

Okay, so maybe that wouldn't be so great, but here is an actual benefit:
Food anytime I want it. And then working it off by lugging around the weight of the fridge and it's contents.

4) You spend a lot of time on your blog talking about your relationship with the bf. What are the top five things about him that make you crazy? How about the top five things that make you get all squishy inside?

What drives me crazy about the bf:

1. I hate, hate, hate when he sets his empty pop cans, wrappers and the like on the counter. We have a little something called a recycle bin. Please use it! We also have something called a garbage. Do I need to spell this out to him?

2. He is NEVER on time. I mean NEVER. And we're not talking minutes here.

3. He is a big procrastinator.

4. He is a work-aholic.

5. His laptop is an appendage.

Now for what I love:

1. He cries at sappy movies and reaches for my hand.

2. He brings me little gifts, just to let me know he is thinking of me. A magazine, a cd, a book or some other sweet little trinket.

3. He likes to cuddle.

4. He tells me he loves me all the time, even when his friends are around.

5. He can make me laugh till I cry.

5) Finally ... you've lived a long and fruitful life. Well, okay, not THAT long. :-) If you died tomorrow, what would your epitaph read?

Here lies DDG,
she gave it her all,
she experienced a lot
and had an effing ball.

or this one might be fun too:

Don't tread on me,
laying under the grass,
and don't you dare pee,
or I'll come haunt your ass.

Okay, okay, I'll stop now.

I think most of my blogosphere pals have already done this, but if anyone wants me to interview them, just post and let me know!

random thoughts from the desk of a disgruntled marketing employee

* to biff: buy some of your own damn lotion! i am sick of you coming over to my desk asking to use my lotion because your hands are sooooo dry. i don't care about your hands. they can dry and flake and crack until they fall off for all i care. really. i don't like you. i'm serious.

*to bubbles: if you don't stop your fake giggling, i'm going to club you over the head with my ruler. or maybe i'll just whip my stapler over my cubicle wall and listen to the satisfying cluck it's sure to make when it connects with your melon. i think that might make me feel better. in fact, i'm pretty sure it would.

* to stinky: when you use the bathroom to relieve your, um, digestive system, please be courteous and make it quick. i do not appreciate being assaulted with the odor of your rotting bowels while i make one of my multiple trips to potty. and for God sakes, use the damn deodorizing room spray. better yet, go use the bathroom down in the basement. there are only like, three people working on that floor. better to disrupt three than thirty. especially when yours truly is part of the thirty.

* to management: i have a life outside of work. really, i do. please refrain from giving me projects with a 1-2 day deadline. i don't appreciate working until 12:30 a.m. even if i am at home in bed with the laptop and a beer. i cannot guarantee the quality of work that is done in this manner.

* to ms. brown-noser: maybe you should make your ass-kissing a little more obvious. cuz that email you sent out about how we should get our department together and volunteer as a group to work for FREE for our "sister" company and oh won't it be so much fun tra la la wasn't plain enough. i don't think the manager got it.

* to mr. company president: if you are going to hold an "open forum" all employee meeting, be prepared for people to actually speak their minds and (horror of horrors) ask you unplanned questions. don't reprimand people after the meeting just because they put you on the spot or made you uncomfortable. the truth hurts. if you didn't want an open forum, don't ask for it. go ahead and live in your la la land. maybe you should hook up with bubbles.

is anyone really color blind?

unless you live in a hole in the ground, you have heard about the shootings at virginia tech earlier this week. you also probably know that the madman responsible for it all was south korean. not that his race should matter. but this is america, and even though we like to pretend it doesn't, race does matter, doesn't it?

in case you haven't gathered this from previous posts and or pictures, the bf is asian. he is originally from south korea and was adopted by his caucasian parents and brought to the u.s. at about age 5. (no one is sure of his exact age, his adopted parents were told his approximate age and then picked his birth date for him.)

last night my kids went over to visit their dad for a couple of hours after daycare. this morning at the breakfast table, my little darlings were talking about something they had seen on tv last night.

ky: "there was this guy on tv, and he hurt all these people and made some of them die. and he looked just like you, N!"

first, kids ages 3 and 5 should not be watching the news in my opinion. there are things that they just don't need to be exposed to or be worrying about yet. the tv is almost never on in my home. the only time the kids watch it is when american idol is on, or maybe on a rainy day when i put in an age-appropriate movie for them.

second, how does a five year old come up with that? the gunman really didn't look much like the bf at all, except for them both being asian. if the guy had been white, would she have said "that guy looked just like my dad!" i think not.

third, as a parent, how do i teach my child not to see race? or discriminate based on race? and how do i do this when last night, at the grocery store, there was a scrawny little asian guy behind me in line. and he did look sort of like the gunman at virginia tech. and it crossed my mind, that he looked like that guy. and i was ashamed.

best. weekend. ever.

i had a most fabulous weekend. i didn't want it to end. why did it have to end??

first of all, i was off work on friday. the sun was shining. the birds were singing. i met my girls for peach margaritas, chips and salsa. my favorite drink, my favorite snack, two of my favorite people and even a little bit of shopping after. need i say more?




friday night the bf and i watched a movie at home, and then saturday morning the we slept in. we had a nice little late morning romp, after which the bf took me out for my favorite meal...crab legs! i could eat crab legs every day for the rest of my life. i'd be swollen as hell from the salt, but i'd be happy. yum!




we made plans to head to minneapolis for the twins baseball game later that day, so after lunch we headed out shopping for minnesota twins shirts! i found a really cute red nike polo shirt at scheels, although i really wanted to buy the t-shirt we found at penny's that made me look like i had double d's and made the bf's eyes pop out of his head. i think i'll sneak back there and buy that one, just to wear at home. *wink*



we decided to take the light rail from the MOA to the dome for the game. this was the first ride for both of us. apparently many others had the same idea, the train was absolutely packed! thank God we got on first and had seats to sit in. there were people standing in the aisles throughout the whole train. you literally could have shoved one and watched the rest fall down like a bunch of dominoes. yes, i was able to resist the urge to push one. barely. i got a little motion sickness, and had a hard time with the germ factor. but it was fun anyway.




the twins game was a total blast! we had awesome, lower level seats. the twins won 12-5! and let's face it, those boys are pretty easy on the eyes. hunter, mauer, morneau, cuddyer...mmm mmm mmm.



it. was. perfect.

peach margaritas

it's been a long week. need i say more?

off to a great start...

i have the day off today. i was supposed to go on a trip to see my bff in kansas city, but the trip got canceled due to her very pregnant state. she needs to be on bedrest as much as possible. so, i am left at home to my own devices. i'm sad i won't get to see her, but i will be driving down there as soon as i get the okay after her baby is born!

today it is absolutely gorgeous outside. not a cloud in the sky. temp around 50. i should be outside, soaking up every drop of that precious sunlight. but no. it's almost noon, and i am still in my pajamas. and my hair is a greasy mess. and i just had a cookie. for lunch. while i listen to my cranked itunes. and the dog chews up her toys at my feet.

i have a to do list a mile long. maybe i'll knock a couple off this afternoon. or maybe not. i have an appoinment with good friends, peach margaritas, chips and salsa at 5:30. and i don't want to be late.

* * *

"come back to texas! it's just not the same since you went away. before you lose your accent, forget all about the lonestar state. there's a seat for you at the rodeo and i've got every slow dance saved..."

thank God for small blessings.

You Are 8% Paranoid Schizophrenic

You're so far from paranoid schizophrenic... you probably found this quiz to be quite amusing.

Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

healthy food?

help!!! i am in need of some healthy recipes that are fairly simple. and that kids won't hate. does anyone have any ideas, cookbooks or sites to refer me to?

my night as a sardine.

though the universe seemed to be conspiring against it, i did end up going to the bob schneider concert with my sister on friday night. she lives over an hour away from me, and i was supposed to be at her house at 8. due to some drama with the bf, i didn't even end up leaving my place until just about 8.

i swear i got stuck at every possible stoplight on my way up. every. single. one. when i arrived at her house it was almost 9:30. i needed to fix the crackwhore look i had aquired during the drama with the bf before i left. i threw on a different shirt, touched up my makeup and we were off.

bob was due to start at around 10:00, so time was tight. there was a lot of construction in the area of the venue, so we had a hard time finding a place to park. finally we got a prime spot for FREE because of a connection my sis has through her husband.

we got inside and saw little "sold out" signs posted all over the box office. shit. sis had not purchased our tickets ahead of time. she was ready to cry. back out to the parking lot to talk to her "connection." we followed him back into the venue and were able to get in for FREE. sweet.

the place was beyond packed. bodies were squeezed together on the floor with not an inch of breathing room between them. i had flashbacks of seeing club fires on the news and everyone creating a stampede that caused our bodies to burn into a charred mass of wreckage. but, i trudged forward, following my starstruck sister through the pack of sardines. there weren't going to be any pyrotechnics tonight anyway, where there?

we barreled our way through the crowd, making our way towards the stage. some little old lady actually pushed me. "keep moving ladies, you aren't taking my spot!" she growled angrily. i turned around and told her that maybe if she got her effing hands off me i'd get out of her way.

finally we fould a halfway decent spot to plant ourselves. there were a few really young guys between us who were loud and obnoxious but friendly. they buffered us from the crowd most of the night.

after we settled into our spot i started sipping these:



well, sipping wouldn't be quite the correct terminology. i practically guzzled my first one. i mean hey, i wanted to be able to really get into this concert of music i did not know. and get into it i did. if you have never been to a bob schneider concert, know that it is very interactive. a lot of sing alongs, etc. the more woodpeckers i consumed the more confident i was shouting out the words to these unfamiliar songs. i think my body was moving to the music the entire two hours. it was a blast.

it was too bad my sister had to be sober cab, she wasn't able to join me on my quest for the ultimate buzz. and buzz i did. it was great. i would definitely do it again. um er...the concert that is.

work

this place is literally sucking the life out of me.

to party or not to party? that is the question.

my little sis invited me to a "concert" tonight. i use the term concert loosely because it is at the fineline in downtown minneapolis. does that count as a concert? hell, maybe it does. or is it technically a "show"? i'm not well versed in such matters. i can count on one hand the number of concerts i have been to.

we are going to see bob schneider. i no nothing of this man or his music. all i know is that i heard my sweet goodie goodie (or so i thought) little sis bellowing his dirty lyrics in a very inebriated state from the back seat of my car on halloween night. i never even thought she knew such words!

i have had very little opportunity in my life to party with my sister. for many years we were sort of arch enemies. she is only 18 months younger than i. we had some of the same boyfriends. (well, i had them FIRST of course) she was always the kiss-ass, mommy's little favorite. me? the consummate rebel. always in trouble in some way, shape or form.

in the last year or two my sis and i have finally connected. i am the godmother of her one year old son. i have cried on her shoulder and she on mine. rarely though, have we gone out and really partied together. tonight is the perfect opportunity. what's the holdup, you ask?

1. we have the kids this weekend. if i go, i am leaving the bf home with four kids tonight. alone.

2. my sis lives over an hour away. the concert will be done late. i'll have to spend the night on her couch.

3. there is the possibilty of an extreme hangover. and then having to drive home and spend time with four kids.

4. bf just had a HUGE fallout with his ex. maybe i should stay home and lend him a sympathetic ear tonight?

i always waffle on these issues. i am sort of a homebody. things like this come up and sound fun, but i always drag my feet, finding reasons not to go. maybe it's because there is so much go, go, go in my life. i just want to relax! but when i force myself to just GO, i nearly always have a good time. so, go you say. to hell with the waffling. just do it.

and i say...okay. fine. i will.

caught in the act

i am never having sex again. my worst nightmare has come true. the bf and i were having a particularily um...acrobatic night on Wednesday. we were completely oblivious to the world around us. and let's just say we were in a very compromising position, which invloved me on the bed and him off the bed. in the midst of our throes of passion, i thought i heard something (or someone?) come into the room. i froze and pushed bf away. i looked ahead and to my left. there was my sleepy eyed daughter. just standing there in the dark.

seriously, i am done with sex. i think i'll become a nun.

nothin, i've got nothin!

i've got nothin' today. nothin' at all to blog about. really.

the sky is grey. it's cold and sleeting/raining/snowy/windy.

my nose is stuffy. my head is aching.

work is really, really busy.

my stomach is not accepting food. i got nauseous while trying to eat my lunch today. (no, it's not what you are thinking. God forbid. there is some stupid bug going around at work. it seems to have latched on to me.)

bf keeps trying to feed me caffeine. why he thinks this will cure things is beyond me. i'm not buying it. i actually don't feel like eating or drinking anything, thank you. and if i do it won't be a calorie laden coffee drink. or a coca cola.

maybe i should go buy some 7up and saltines...

twins?

previous post due to the fact that BBMG and i have decided that we look like twin crackwhores today. we both look and feel exhausted...under eye circles, pale faces, melting makeup and even sort of matching outfits. we'd post a pic but you would probably never read our blogs again. seriously, it's that bad. yikes.

Top 10 excuses for falling asleep at your desk.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up a contact lens without using my hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

i heart my bf

i broke my phone saturday night. dropped it on the floor in my sister's entryway. broken beyond all hope of repair. i hated that damn phone, but it was my lifeline to the world. i don't have a landline anymore, haven't for over a year. how was anyone going to get in touch with me? let me know when i won that 1 million sweepstakes?

so yesterday i went all day without a phone. the kiddos and i drove to the twin cities for my nephew's birthday party. i felt weird without the phone. naked.

bf didn't go with me to the party. he stayed home and hung out with his kids.

last night after i got home and put the kids to bed, bf was acting funny. he picked up his phone and dialed. i could hear a muffled ringing coming from our bed. i reached under the pillow and found this:



i really, really heart my bf.

p.s.

did i also mention that the house was wonderfully clean when i got home? and the laundry was almost done?

i really, really, really, really heart my bf.