i am thinking about becoming a wino. no hard liquor, no beer for this girl. just wine. okay, and maybe the occasional strawberry daquari. which would require rum. but i digress...

i would have a glass or two a day. just enough to give me that warm, happy tingly feeling. until of course, it started to take three, then four or five glasses for that same feeling. forget the fact that my father is a raging alcoholic whose main goal in his sorry life is where he is going to get the money for his next fix of nicotine and alcohol. or the fact that although i enjoy the occasional light buzz, i actually thoroughly despise being out of control of my body and getting truly drunk. or that i really feel that turning to alcohol to cope is a sorry-ass, weak thing to do.

right now, i don't care about any of that. just bring on the muscato di asti, please.



i have have been very irritable lately. work has been absolutely CRAZY. it seems like i am always saying that, but it just gets worse and worse. plus, everything the kids do is making me nuts. and i mean everything. poor dears are having to deal with a very irritable mommy.

i have been trying to come up with something clever to blog about, but my brain is mush. i did come up with this though: a "things i hate" list. i have seen a lot of blogs lately that list out things people like, or info about their personality. my mood right now dictates that my list is about the negative, so here goes:

10 things i hate

1. people who are always late.
2. dog kisses on my face.
3. people who cancel plans at the last minute.
4. people talking to me when i am reading a good book.
5. cleaning up someone else's vomit.
6. people who are fake.
7. snotty women.
8. tall women with shorter men.
9. people who sing and don't know the words.
10. fake laughter

there are many, many more where these came from, but in the interest of avoiding severe depression, i will refrain from listing out more at this time.

have a swell day.



as mentioned in the previous post, bf and i did quite a bit of arguing over the weekend. yesterday we had one of those huge, blowout, four letter spewing fights that thank God doesn't happen to us a lot. we were in one of the children's rooms with the door closed, but bf was really yelling loudly... including the four letter f word. the kids were in the living room. i kept pleading with bf to keep it down, i knew the kids could hear a lot of what we were saying. but he kept on keeping on.

we eventually made up and all was semi-hunky dorie. last night when we came back from the party, the kids both wanted a glass of water before they got ready for bed. i poured them each a glass and left them sipping in the kitchen while i headed for the bathroom. a couple of minutes later i shouted to ask if they were getting their pajamas on. ky responded from her room that she was getting ready, but that her brother was still in the kitchen "drinking his glass of fuck."

let this be a lesson...


the fam

okay, i know it's downright silly that i haven't managed to figure out how to post pictures until now. really, really sad in fact. but, here it is, my first blog picture! i will probably end up going crazy posting images for a while now. this picture is of our crazy, mixed-up, blended "fam". we went to the minnesota state fair together this summer. it was a lot of fun! the two "white kids" are mine, and the two "tan kids" are the bf's. (those are his names for them, not mine) all in all we blend together very well. the boys like to gang up on ky once in a while, but i am there to stick up for her! it's funny, but if anyone else picks on her the boys are the first to defend her. typical of siblings, i suppose...though technically they aren't siblings yet. i think we are very lucky that everyone gets along as well as they do. we will all be cooped up in the house this weekend, playing video games, watching movies, reading books...trying not to strangle one another. no really, i joke about it, but i'm sure it will go just fine.

run in

i went to lunch alone today. i really like doing that a couple of days a week. i head home, let the dog out, grab something to eat and head back to work. nothing too exciting, just a little time to decompress. bf is really busy at work today, moving a bunch of work stations around. i decided to pick up some food for the two of us to eat together at my desk.

i went home and let out the dog, watched a little bit of the local news. then i headed out and up the hill to pick up a couple of personal pizzas and sodas from a place close to work. my arms full and feeling awkard, i headed for the back door. now, our building is a security building. you have to have a special badge to get in the back door. needless to say it was difficult to manuver this when my arms were full of pizza boxes and drinks. as i got closer i prayed someone would be on their way in or out and would hold the door for me. i got up the door and saw it start to swing open. though the glare of the glass i saw who it was. shit. it's HER! without making eye contact she held open the door. crap. it's not in my nature to just walk through and not say thanks. is it okay if i don't though? honestly, i was hoping to never have to speak to her again. but she is holding the door for me. i should really say thanks. all of this ran through my head in the 3 seconds it took me to walk through the door. i quickly muttered thanks and headed up the steps to my floor.

i haven't had a run in with her all week until now. i was really enjoying that. i had let my guard down. i had convinced myself that even if i did see her, i wouldn't have any reaction. WRONG! i made it to my desk with the boxes and cups and shakily set them down. bf stopped over to my desk to eat. he noticed my shaking hands. i very breifly told him what had happened. he looked sad for a minute, but then thankfully changed the subject. i didn't want to talk about it anyway, because really there is nothing to say.

overall i've been doing a lot better. i have less and less "panic" incidents all the time. i am occasionally able to go a whole day without thinking about it at all! i hope it just continues to get better from here. i hope i will eventually be able to go whole weeks without a single thought about what happened.

weather junkie

hello. my name is "a" and i am a weather addict. i especially enjoy tracking winter storms. it's sick. i know it's sick. the minute i hear of a possible storm i am frantically checking all the weather sites. when will it get here? how much snow will we get? maybe it stems from childhood, when snow days were THE BOMB! maybe it stems from college, back when we had real storms and work closed down several times because of it. there is something dreamy and wonderful about the thought of being tucked away in the house for a day or two, all cozy and insulated from the outside world. watching movies, drinking hot chocolate, cuddling with my sweetie. in reality, we have the four kids this weekend. they will likely be climbing the walls by tomorrow afternoon and we will be pulling our hair out trying not to have nervous breakdowns. there will be fights, there will be whining. any movies playing will be kid friendly flicks, hardly cuddle-worthy fare. but yet i am still checking out the weather sites, trying to track this big pending snow storm. perhaps i am a glutton for punishment. or maybe i am just a kid at heart, excited at the promise of all that snow!


office space

Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...

Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[Under his breath]

Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.

Milton Waddams: [as the waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt...


deep thoughts...

one thing kids like is to be tricked. for instance, i was going to take my little nephew to disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "oh, no," i said. "disneyland burned down." he cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. i started to drive over to the real disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

i have a very morbid sense of humor


all you need is love

happy valentine's day, my blogosphere friends! i have to admit, i've never been a huge fan of valentine's day. such a cheesy, commercial, overdone, fake holiday. everyone has expectations (even if they don't admit it) and most are let down. i've had enough "let downs" in my younger years and have since always greeted valentine's day with great disdain. not so, today.

this morning when i came back up from the shower there was a gift for me on the table. it was a retro-style toaster with a pretty red envelope in one of the toast slots. cool toaster, very nice card. i gave bf his gift, a massage at aveda, a designer candy bar, gum and some other little trinkets. then we were off to work.

bf and i walked up the stairs together. i exited at the 2nd floor and he proceed to the 3rd. as i headed towards my desk and rounded the corner, i was greeted by the smiling face of a co-worker. "happy valentine's day a!" she said with a big smirk on her face. i looked towards the general vacinity of my cube. there, floating prettily above my desk were a BUNCH of pink and red balloons. there was a small crowd of women ooo-ing and ahh-ing outside my cube. closer inspection revealed that many of the balloons had little gifts tied to them. four stuffed animals...sandra boynton characters from those cute little children's books. a beautiful lia sophia necklace. a novel. lia sophia earrings. a cd. a sandra boynton book. tons of candy strewn all around. two adorable cards. wow. i think he kinda likes me.

please disregard the last post. the only beating bf will be getting in the near future is one he is sure to enjoy. *wink*

i will post up a picture as soon as i get it. it is absolutely unreal!


deep thoughts

dear Lord,

i pray for wisdom to understand my man; love to forgive him; and
patience for his moods. because, Lord, if I pray for strength, i'll beat
him to death.


no go

so, we won't be moving to the suburbs anytime soon. which is probably just as well. i don't know if i could be a suburban "soccer mom" anyway. i am stuck here for at least the next...11 years! well, assuming bf and i are still together. need to stay close to the boys and to the ex bastard.


office space

Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime; so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled; that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.


we are family

my mom called me a little while ago with some bad news about my little sister, A. apparently she had a miscarriage last night. none of us even knew that she was preganant, but that isn't surprising. while pregnant with her third child she kept it a secret for three months! my sister is only 25, she is five years younger than me. she was married at 18 and was pregnant within a year. this would have been her fourth child!

i feel very bad for her and would like to be there to support her, but here is my problem: she never called me. she lives a few blocks from me, but she called my sister who is two hours away and had her come over last night. the three of us have always been fairly close, although i am definitely the "black sheep" of the family. i ran away at age 15, i have lived with boyfriends, i was pregnant before i got married, i eloped to vegas, i got divorced. i have always felt the weight of their disapproval, although it has never been expressed out loud by any of them.

i am very hurt that she didn't call me. if i were in the same situation i would have called both of my sisters. now i'm not so sure. i talked to A twice yesterday and she didn't say a thing about it.

of course i won't mention that i am upset, that would just be selfish. but i am definitely taking a step back and re-evaluating my relationship with my sisters. maybe i am just not as important in their lives as they are in mine?

back in the saddle again!

i am back at work! in never thought i would be so excited to say that. i love my kiddos, but could definitely never be a stay at home mom. i need the mental challenges and adult interaction of the workplace. and i missed my fave co-worker! : ) i was starting to go a little wacko at home! and this would also have to be a week where the bf is really busy and we haven't gotten much time together. so it's been me and the kids, me and the kids...

stay tuned... this morning ky told me she had a headache and she had a bit of a fever. i had her pop some tylenol and sent her off to daycare. i wouldn't be surprised to get a phone call later saying she is sick now, too.

ahh...the trials and tribulations of single parenting!


on the bright side...

bf and i are doing well. but then again, we haven't seen much of each other the last couple of days.

definitely influenza

well, i took ko to the doctor. it was one of the fastest in and out visits we've ever had. basically, the doctor is quite sure that ko has influenza. his lungs and ears were okay, which is good, but at least those conditions would mean drugs to fix them. the crappy thing about influenza is that there is nothing they can do for it. and it lasts 7-10 days. and it is SUPER contagious. and he can't go to daycare. and i can't go to work! single parenting sucks.

home again

this week i have discovered that i could never make it as a stay at home mom. my son has been sick all week. i was home with him half of tuesday. i was home with him yesterday. and now i have to stay home with him again today. i am able to do some work from home, but i need to be at my desk. i need to interact with other adults. i am going crazy! the poor kid is very ill. his fever spiked to 104 last night. i have never had a child that sick. today we go to the doctor. i pray he has something treatable, but my best guess is that whatever he has is a virus that will need to "run it's course" as the doctors are so fond of saying. meanwhile, i'm sure i have co-workers who think i am faking. making up a story to stay home. SO not true. in fact, i don't think i've "faked it" since college. and that was a LONG time ago. most of the people in my department do not have children. they have no idea what it is like. heck, i don't know that i would understand either. it just makes it harder to be taken seriously as a "career" woman. stay tuned for the doctor's report...


no news is good news

i am happy to report that i basically have nothing to report today. the bf called me late morning yesterday and sounded fairly chipper. my stupidity was not mentioned at all. we had a very nice, uneventful night last night. well, i wouldn't call what happened when the lights went down uneventful...but you know what i mean! i made a nice dinner, we chatted, watched american idol and laughed, then he did some work while i read. all in all a nice evening. well...except for the fact that my sick son was up at least 6 times last night. coughing. going to the bathroom. wanting water. doesn't make for a very good night's rest. so today i am home with the little sickie. again. the bf was kind enough to connect me to the network so i am able to do quite a bit of work from home. ko doesn't seem quite as sick as he did yesterday, but still has a fever and those horrible coughing fits. hopefully the illness will run its course and things will be back to normal tomorrow. i hate burning up my sick pay so early in the year!



we went to pick up the kids around 4:30 today, daycare had called to say my little boy had a fever of 102. He had been sick at his dad's over the weekend but didn't seem too bad this morning when he woke up, so i took him to daycare. right now he has a fever of 103.5 and is absolutely miserable! poor kiddo! apparently 17 kids were out at daycare today. two have been diagnosed with influenza a. i would not doubt if that is what ko has. the bf and i have decided we will each take off half the day tomorrow to take care of him. i am staying home in the morning and he is staying home in the afternoon. it was bf's idea. he is SO awesome! the ex bastard never takes a day off to stay home with a sick child. he has to work to pay that enormous amount (ha!) of daycare he gives me every month. the bf is willing to stay home half the day with my child! he earns BIG points there!

what we did

well, we didn't end up going to the function on friday. bf decided he just didn't want to take the chance. that was fine by me. after work we headed out of town for the two hour trek to my mom's house. the ride there was very nice, we stopped for dinner along the way and had some great conversation. it was perfectly stress and child free. we spent the night at my mom's and then bf had to work all day on saturday. i got to pretty much lounge around and read all day...one of my very favorite pastimes! we had dinner with my parents that night before we left for home. then sunday was the big poker party! there were about 24 people playing in all. i had two major goals for my day as a beginning poker player: #1 - Don't be the first one out. #2 - Don't go out before the bf. I ended up at the "loser" table at the end, but i did meet my two goals! the bf and i both had a good time despite the fact that our pockets were considerably more empty then when we had started! we headed home to watch the superbowl and wait for my kiddos to get home from their weekend visit to their dad's. we both took off today and we were looking forward to a day of just "hanging out", with no work talk allowed! we stayed in bed till noon then got up and went shopping and spent a good two hours at barnes and noble. bliss! there has been virtually no fighting the last few days. just a few little snaps here and there. it has been wonderful! i haven't had any "freak outs" and have basically been able to push those negative thoughts out of my mind any time they tried to creep in. i don't know if we could have had a more perfect weekend.


nothing but blue skies

today was another fabulous day for me and the bf. we have actually gone two whole days without incident! and i have had none of my weird paranoia/panic attacks. i think it really, really helped for us to have that chat the other night. tomorrow night is the big "party" for a couple of the people who were "let go". we are still trying to decide whether we are going. actually, i am leaving it all up to the bf. he confessed last night that he really doesn't want to go if "she" is going to be there too. that he would feel really uncomfortable. we may just go for 15 minutes or we may not go at all. we'll see. either way i think i'll be fine.

oh happy day!

yesterday was the best day i had in a very long time. nothing particularly exciting happened. the day was normal. i felt normal. bf and i did not argue. at all. i had no "crazy" moments. there were a couple of touch and go moments where i needed to talk myself down from a potential attack of "crazy". but i made it. it wasn't bad.

i am SO looking forward to the weekend! bf and i both turned in vacation slips for monday. we get a three day weekend! yay! friday night we are going to my mom's to spend the night. i LOVE road trips with bf. saturday he has freelance work while i spend the day with my mom. sunday we have a big poker tournament/super bowl party. monday we may just stay in bed all day.