run in

i went to lunch alone today. i really like doing that a couple of days a week. i head home, let the dog out, grab something to eat and head back to work. nothing too exciting, just a little time to decompress. bf is really busy at work today, moving a bunch of work stations around. i decided to pick up some food for the two of us to eat together at my desk.

i went home and let out the dog, watched a little bit of the local news. then i headed out and up the hill to pick up a couple of personal pizzas and sodas from a place close to work. my arms full and feeling awkard, i headed for the back door. now, our building is a security building. you have to have a special badge to get in the back door. needless to say it was difficult to manuver this when my arms were full of pizza boxes and drinks. as i got closer i prayed someone would be on their way in or out and would hold the door for me. i got up the door and saw it start to swing open. though the glare of the glass i saw who it was. shit. it's HER! without making eye contact she held open the door. crap. it's not in my nature to just walk through and not say thanks. is it okay if i don't though? honestly, i was hoping to never have to speak to her again. but she is holding the door for me. i should really say thanks. all of this ran through my head in the 3 seconds it took me to walk through the door. i quickly muttered thanks and headed up the steps to my floor.

i haven't had a run in with her all week until now. i was really enjoying that. i had let my guard down. i had convinced myself that even if i did see her, i wouldn't have any reaction. WRONG! i made it to my desk with the boxes and cups and shakily set them down. bf stopped over to my desk to eat. he noticed my shaking hands. i very breifly told him what had happened. he looked sad for a minute, but then thankfully changed the subject. i didn't want to talk about it anyway, because really there is nothing to say.

overall i've been doing a lot better. i have less and less "panic" incidents all the time. i am occasionally able to go a whole day without thinking about it at all! i hope it just continues to get better from here. i hope i will eventually be able to go whole weeks without a single thought about what happened.