random thoughts from the desk of a disgruntled marketing employee

* to biff: buy some of your own damn lotion! i am sick of you coming over to my desk asking to use my lotion because your hands are sooooo dry. i don't care about your hands. they can dry and flake and crack until they fall off for all i care. really. i don't like you. i'm serious.

*to bubbles: if you don't stop your fake giggling, i'm going to club you over the head with my ruler. or maybe i'll just whip my stapler over my cubicle wall and listen to the satisfying cluck it's sure to make when it connects with your melon. i think that might make me feel better. in fact, i'm pretty sure it would.

* to stinky: when you use the bathroom to relieve your, um, digestive system, please be courteous and make it quick. i do not appreciate being assaulted with the odor of your rotting bowels while i make one of my multiple trips to potty. and for God sakes, use the damn deodorizing room spray. better yet, go use the bathroom down in the basement. there are only like, three people working on that floor. better to disrupt three than thirty. especially when yours truly is part of the thirty.

* to management: i have a life outside of work. really, i do. please refrain from giving me projects with a 1-2 day deadline. i don't appreciate working until 12:30 a.m. even if i am at home in bed with the laptop and a beer. i cannot guarantee the quality of work that is done in this manner.

* to ms. brown-noser: maybe you should make your ass-kissing a little more obvious. cuz that email you sent out about how we should get our department together and volunteer as a group to work for FREE for our "sister" company and oh won't it be so much fun tra la la wasn't plain enough. i don't think the manager got it.

* to mr. company president: if you are going to hold an "open forum" all employee meeting, be prepared for people to actually speak their minds and (horror of horrors) ask you unplanned questions. don't reprimand people after the meeting just because they put you on the spot or made you uncomfortable. the truth hurts. if you didn't want an open forum, don't ask for it. go ahead and live in your la la land. maybe you should hook up with bubbles.

twins?

previous post due to the fact that BBMG and i have decided that we look like twin crackwhores today. we both look and feel exhausted...under eye circles, pale faces, melting makeup and even sort of matching outfits. we'd post a pic but you would probably never read our blogs again. seriously, it's that bad. yikes.

Top 10 excuses for falling asleep at your desk.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up a contact lens without using my hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

that lovin' feeling

a first in the history of my relationship with the bf: he's mad about lack of sex. um, yeah.

the bf and i have been dating almost a year. we have been sex fiends from the beginning. it's awesome. i thouroughly enjoy being a sex fiend.

the last time we...you know...was saturday. during the day. i love daytime sex.

the last few nights i have been really tired and generally just not in the mood. i feel asleep before anything happened. last night i read a book while bf was next to me in bed. sleeping. i thought?

this morning while in bed he muttered...."do you not find me sexy anymore?" sometimes bf is such. a. girl. "of course i find you sexy sweetie! i'm sorry!" i kissed and groveled. apparently it did no good.

bf ignored me all morning at work. i played the childish game of "hanging up" on him im style, after parting words of "sorry for bothering you." no response. so i went invisible.

i developed a severe headache over the course of the morning. i waited till noon and didn't hear anything from bf. so i left. and didn't go back to work after lunch. he called around two. i didn't bother answering. no message.

he just called again around three thirty. i answered. this is when i confirmed that yes, he is indeed mad about being "ignored" the last two nights. good grief. give a girl a break. and is it really worth getting that pissed about? because i mean, man...nothing is sexier than a pissed off bf, right?

office space

Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime; so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled; that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

back in the saddle again!

i am back at work! in never thought i would be so excited to say that. i love my kiddos, but could definitely never be a stay at home mom. i need the mental challenges and adult interaction of the workplace. and i missed my fave co-worker! : ) i was starting to go a little wacko at home! and this would also have to be a week where the bf is really busy and we haven't gotten much time together. so it's been me and the kids, me and the kids...

stay tuned... this morning ky told me she had a headache and she had a bit of a fever. i had her pop some tylenol and sent her off to daycare. i wouldn't be surprised to get a phone call later saying she is sick now, too.

ahh...the trials and tribulations of single parenting!

office space

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

office space

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.