the "m" word

maybe it's just because we have so many weddings coming up, and we just had his dad's over the weekend, but the bf has been talking more about marriage again.

"are we going to have to do this for our wedding? are we going to have to do that?"

i. am. freaked.

i mean, i know he would probably marry me today if i wanted to. that's not a secret really. but...i'm still not ready. not to marry him or anyone. not really even ready to think about it.

and there is still that little matter of trust...it's been a mere four months since the whole "cheating incident" unfolded. although things have gotten better i still don't fully trust him. and i really don't want to marry someone i don't trust.

the bf is so different from anyone else i've ever been with. he is much more independent. he has TONS of friends who are girls. he is uber outgoing. he has a lot of things going on in his life that i am not a part of. this is all both good and bad, but mostly it's just different. and sometimes it's hard to trust new and different. especially when new and different cheated on you with one of his "friends" at work.

i love him, i really do. i know he loves me too. and i definitely see us together for a long time. but forever? i don't know. i've been burned before. i'm afraid to be optimistic. i am incredibly cynical.

how will i know? how will i really know i am ready? because i thought i knew once, and then it ended. in divorce.