till death do us part?

it's incredibly ironic that i work for a company that is huge into the wedding invitation business. traditional weddings and all the cheesy hoopla surrounding them have never been my thing. when i was ready to say my vows, i eloped and got married in vegas. granted, the marriage only lasted 5 years, but i don't believe it would have mattered if i had had a huge church wedding with all the trappings. and i honestly don't think God cared that i didn't have a four tiered, buttercream frosted, chocolate drizzled cake to serve some 300+ guests. my ex husband and i were just not destined to make it.

it's not only weddings that i am not into these days, it's marriage itself. maybe not even marriage, but long term relationships in general. i have had several long term relationships in my life. two years here, five years there...seven more here. i don't believe in men anymore. as much as i love my bf, and i know he wants to marry me, and he says he wants to grow old together, i don't buy it. i'm sure he means it right now. but i can't make myself belive he will still feel that way five, ten or twenty years from now.

he will get bored...maybe cheat again. become addicted to online chatting, or get wrapped up into something like that "second life" website. he will stop wanting to hang out with me and go back to working all the time. he won't find me sexy and will need porn to put him in the mood. he will oogle other women in front of me.

and it's not just him. i feel like it would be like that with anyone. i have lost my faith in the long term, monogomus relationship.

or maybe i am just going through some messed up, 30 year old midlife crisis.