reflections

i started this blog as a venting tool. i just wanted to get my relationship issues written down, it helps me think so much better. it's easier for me to sort things out when i write. and it's always interesting, (though sometimes embarrassing) to look back on what i thought a day, week or even a few months ago.

bf and i are doing fine. i definitely think our relationship is better now that it was six months ago. there is much less fighting and much more understanding of each other's wants, needs and quirks. our relationship started out different from any other i've ever had. that is to say...it started out rocky. very rocky. most relationships start out all fairy-tale like. not ours. we had issues from the beginning. maybe that comes from the fact that we are both divorced, both have our own kids. maybe it's because the bf is the most confrontational person i have ever dated, much less been friends with. it was sort of a rude awakening. and refreshing at the same time. my ex husband would never tell me what he was mad about. it drove me crazy. that is one thing i usually don't have to worry about with the bf. he is not afraid to tell me what i am doing wrong. which is fine, i've never had a problem telling him what he's doing wrong, either. we're also very good at telling each other what we are doing right. and lately that list is getting longer for both of us.

i feel like the "only" issue left to conquer is trust. i know, that's a pretty big one. but no matter what anyone says, it is tough to get over the feeling of betrayal when someone cheats. it definitely get's better, less raw. but there are times when the pain of it is still very real, very acute. maybe it's worse in our case because the "affair" went on for a while. it wasn't just some stupid one night stand, where someone got drunk and got carried away. it was longer term. written via im. and i had the misfortune to read the emotional exchanges between them. and no matter if he says it was all for show. there were things i read that still pop into my head and hurt. deeply. there is no point in recounting them here.

will i ever really be able to get over it? i'm still not sure. i rarely bring it up to him anymore. it's more of an inner struggle for me. overall i am very happy with the bf. but there is always that question in the back of my mind. is he chatting again? with her? with anyone? or when he stays late at work: is she there too? has he broken his promise and started communicating with her again? because even the thought of a "hi" or a secret smile between them makes me ill.

i spent some time with my sis, (we'll call her teacher) last weekend and she definitely helped to build my ego. there was some hot guy that was eyeing me (?) at the restaurant bar we were drinking at. she wanted me to talk to him. and I kept saying how he was too hot for me anyway. teacher kept saying "no, he isn't, blah blah blah." then she said "shades (her hubby) said you are looking really good these days, and you could get most any guy you wanted." (granted, this would be 30+ guys.) kind of weird for my brother-in-law to say to my sister, his wife. even more weird that she relayed it. but hey...i'll take it! i lost 30 pounds about a year and a half ago. i feel like i've earned the compliments. and i figure this is one that it won't hurt to slip to the bf!