1.31.2007
breakthrough
last night after the stupid incident, the bf and i had a serious breakthough. after the dumb issue with the button and me getting mad, we made up. when he got home he sat down and talked me through the whole situation, from beginning to end. as the comment from anonymous stated, it wasn't about me. i sort of get that now. while it was happening, it wasn't about me at all. it started out as a little im flirting and continued to progress to sexual talk. it was thrilling for him, a rush. what shocking thing could he say next? what more could he get away with? he told himself it wasn't wrong, it was just typing. he was just messing with a friend, trying to see how much she would let him get away with. he really didn't feel guilty about any of it, up until they kissed. that's when reality started to set in. he felt like it had gone too far. he backed off a bit but continued some of the im stuff until eventually it wound back down to light flirting. the two of them tried to put it behind them and pretend it didn't happen. he didn't think i would ever find out. but as we all know, i did find out, and i felt cheated. he feels horrible about what the whole thing did to me. i believe that. he isn't going to let it happen again. i believe that too. now, if i can just put the crazy stuff and jealousy behind me...
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3 comments:
Again, sweetie, I think you're being hard on yourself. I saw many of the emails my hubby sent to his ex as they were breaking up, and it was full of coddling and "You're so wonderful, I still love you in my way" type stuff. There are still days, two years later, when I think about it. It was hard stuff to read!
Some days I have to really force myself to change my thought patterns—and recognize that even if some of his behaviors weren't perfect then, he still CHOOSE me.
Yeah, there's something about reading that stuff...it sticks in your mind and trys to pry it's way into your brain without warning. It wasn't all sexual talk, there were some emotional things he wrote to her that were hurtful to read as well.
I don't know if I am really being that hard on myself? I seriously feel like a nutcase when I freak out about some of this stuff. It would be good if I could identify that BEFORE I open my mouth.
Sure, but don't beat yourself up every time it crazy slips out. That just makes it worse!
I know this sounds easier said than done, but my shrink told me to just think, "Okay, I'm not going to think about this anymore. I'm moving on, we've moved on, etc." It worked, at least temporarily-and now I'm so far removed from it that I barely think about any of it at all.
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