the "m" word

maybe it's just because we have so many weddings coming up, and we just had his dad's over the weekend, but the bf has been talking more about marriage again.

"are we going to have to do this for our wedding? are we going to have to do that?"

i. am. freaked.

i mean, i know he would probably marry me today if i wanted to. that's not a secret really. but...i'm still not ready. not to marry him or anyone. not really even ready to think about it.

and there is still that little matter of trust...it's been a mere four months since the whole "cheating incident" unfolded. although things have gotten better i still don't fully trust him. and i really don't want to marry someone i don't trust.

the bf is so different from anyone else i've ever been with. he is much more independent. he has TONS of friends who are girls. he is uber outgoing. he has a lot of things going on in his life that i am not a part of. this is all both good and bad, but mostly it's just different. and sometimes it's hard to trust new and different. especially when new and different cheated on you with one of his "friends" at work.

i love him, i really do. i know he loves me too. and i definitely see us together for a long time. but forever? i don't know. i've been burned before. i'm afraid to be optimistic. i am incredibly cynical.

how will i know? how will i really know i am ready? because i thought i knew once, and then it ended. in divorce.

today i start...

today i start my get in shape again/weight loss plan. i admit it...i let things lapse over the winter. i ate whatever i wanted. i drank whatever i wanted. my running habit dwindled away to nothing. now i am left with an extra 8-10 pounds of winter flab.

the lovely sixes in my closet have remained folded and unmoved for months. it is unfortunate that all of my spring clothes are, you guessed it, sixes. and even more unfortunate that i oh-so-smartly got rid of all the larger sizes i wore as i transitioned down from my all time high of 12-14. i figured keeping only the smaller size would force me to stay on top of things. needless to say, this didn't work.

i refuse to go out and buy a wardobe of spring clothes in a larger size. i won't do it. i can't do it. really. instead i will get my butt outside for walks and activities with the kids after work. i will start running again. i will do my strength training tape with that annoying bitch, denise austin.

i will make it happen!