Domestically Disabled

weary

2008-08-20T20:23:00.002-05:00

on nights like this, i miss you, my dear old blog. sitting here alone in the dark, crying over the state of life and so wanting to pour my heart out. my new blog is too public for me to do that.

i know this feeling of being alone will pass, or at least the severity of it will. i am lonely but yet i don't want to be around anyone, don't even want to talk to anyone, really.

maybe i just need to sit here and cry. let it all out and get rid of it. i can't afford for this to take me over. right now i am just so tired, and feeling hopeless, and not sure where to go next. it's funny how even at 31 i can lose my confidence and lose my way...reduced to a child yet again.

i know, this too shall pass, but right now it is piercing my heart, and it really hurts.

Moving On

2008-04-11T09:31:00.003-05:00

Hello all! I just wanted to let you know that I am moving my blog. The new link is www.sominnesota.blogspot.com. I'd love for you to visit me there, and if you are linked to my blog, link to me on my new one! I am vowing to post more often again, so we'll see what happens!

I have moved a bunch of the old posts over along with their original dates, and I have also omitted some of the posts I don't want to share with the general public. ; )

everyone loves a poop joke...

2008-04-10T10:55:00.002-05:00

gross, but too funny not to share:

i was in the bathroom, minding my own business and getting ready as my 4 year old son was going "potty". when finished, he got up from the toilet, peered inside it and said:

"look mom!"

then:

"it looks like donut balls, but they're really poop balls!"

*giggles manically*

ahhh...the fascination with bowel movements starts in the males young and never really ends, does it?

mba

2008-04-09T20:29:00.005-05:00

so, i have decided i am getting my mba. which means i'm pretty much giving up a social life for, oh...the next two and a half years or so. but, the good thing is that i have definitely found my niche career-wise. i have found what excites and motivates me. it's marketing, product management specifically. i love love love it. i have gained a lot of marketing experience over the last few years, and this "new" job is exactly what i've been looking for. except the parent company sucks. it's a huge corporation. i don't want to be stuck there forever. i feel that if i want to get out of the company my bachelor's in social work just isn't going to cut it, not even with my experience. so, i applied to some schools. schools that have reputable online programs. schools that are "brick and mortar" based that happen to have an online mba. schools where i don't have to list "online degree" on my resume. it doesn't look easy. the admissions process is a pain. but i'm thinking it all might just be worth it. because... since i'll be going to school online, i had to purchase this:

and then of course i also needed this:

ahhh...come to me sweet little mac laptop, i am anxiously awaiting your arrival. ; )

letting go...

2008-04-03T07:28:00.004-06:00

I thought I had more time for her to be a little girl, but alas, my six year old daughter sat me down this morning to let me know what was on her mind:

"Mom, now that I'm getting bigger and I'm growing up more, I think it's time for me to start picking out my own clothes in the morning."

My immediate thought was: But what if she doesn't match?!!?!? GASP!

But really, what's a mother to do? I mean, I could hardly argue with her logic.

My response: (whining)
"Can I tell you if something looks weird together?"

Ky: (very seriously and sternly)
"No."

*Honestly, I knew I was living on borrowed time, I should have been letting her pick out her clothes long ago. But I LIKED dressing her! She's my GIRL!! LOL

racial irony

2008-03-25T21:17:00.003-06:00

saturday night we were invited to dinner at the home of the bf's dad and step-mom. the plan was to celebrate easter, a birthday and a recent graduate. we marked it on the calendar and planned to attend with all four of the kids.

saturday morning we got a call from the bf's dad. the bf let it go to voice mail. upon checking his voice mail, the bf groaned and replayed it over for me to hear. it went something like this:

"i am just calling to let you know that "the graduate" (the bf's step-sister) is dating a "black gentleman" and is planning to bring him and his young daughter for dinner this evening. i just thought i'd give you a head's up so you can tell the kids about it. i don't want them to be shocked when they walk in the house."

wtf???????

besides this being a totally sad, white bread, minnesota response, it is also extremely ironic considering this fact: THE BF IS FREAKING ASIAN! (adopted from korea by his white bread parents.)

needless to say, the bf and i didn't say anything to the kids. and were they shocked when they walked in? nope. and it made me very proud.

the damage

2008-02-06T19:12:00.000-06:00

revamping or deleting...

2007-12-03T08:13:00.000-06:00

FYI...i am going to be either totally revamping this blog or starting a new one in the next couple of weeks. I'm leaning toward the latter. I'll keep you posted, just in case you care. LOL

quotables

2007-11-28T20:12:00.000-06:00

"Stop! You're giving me a naked privates scare!"

- Ky, to her brother who had his shirt off getting ready for bed.

um, thank God she's not a troll?

2007-10-22T12:09:00.001-05:00

this weekend ky got into a little trouble at the our local Target. she ran way off ahead and we lost track of her. once we were reunited, the bf had a serious talk with her about what could happen to her if she ran off and someone "took" her.

the bf: blah blah blah..."why do you think we don't want to lose you?"

ky: (very seriously) "because i'm cute?"

sometimes i can't believe the things that come out of that child's mouth!!!

upon hearing the minister mention communion...

2007-10-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

my children and i rarely go to church, for numerous reasons that i will avoid getting into right now. this weekend my little darlings went to church with my mom, who told me that at the end of the service she was absolutely sweating from trying to keep them quiet and under control. i'm thinking she won't ask to take them again. upon hearing the minister mention communion, here was my daughter's reaction:

"bread? good! bread! i'm hungry! is it beer bread?"

i couldn't even make this up.

new job!!!!

2007-10-09T08:47:00.000-05:00

i was offered a position at the company i have been interviewing with. i have decided to take it!!! there are pros and cons but ultimately i think it will be a lot better for my mental health. so, somewhere in the 2-4 week range, i will be OUTTA HERE!!!

yay!!!!!!

sucker!!!!

2007-10-04T18:47:00.000-05:00

i spent a weekend at my mom's two weeks ago. my kiddos and i went there to take a break and be pampered. it was refreshing, and it worked.

at home i very, very rarely watch tv. i just have no desire to do it. but that weekend at my mom's i spent an awful lot of time in front of the good old boob tube. one night i sat up in the living room alone till at least 1:30 am. i changed channels a few times and settled on an interesting looking infomercial. i know, i know, that's kind of an oxymoron. infomercial and interesting don't generally go hand it hand. but i started watching this one and was hooked.

it was for some kind of magic makeup! oooo...look at that girl with the horrible complexion! oh wow, look how easy it is to transform her face from cruddy complexion to model perfect! that's amazing! and look at the stars endorsing it. it must be good stuff, right? i was suckered in. it looked soooooo easy! and i'd love an easy way to hide those red rosacea areas on my cheeks. and these dark circles under my eyes from stress. i would love to get rid of those. seriously, that looks easy. i can DO that. and look, they even did makeovers at my beloved mall of america. and minnesotan's don't lie, right? and the best part? it could all be mine for the low, low price of just $29.95!!!

so today i got my cute little pink box and felt that flutter of excitement i always feel when i get a package in the mail. i couldn't wait to rip into the package. i opened the pretty little box and saw it's pretty little pink insides. and there was the makeup. tiny little containers beautifully presented in a white mesh bag. and then i saw the two instruction booklets and the instructional dvd. wtf? i thought this was supposed to be eeeeeeasssy. still convinced i could make this work, i trudged into the bathroom to begin my own amazing transformation. i wish i could get this across to you in pictures. the result was less than flattering. my wrinkles stand out more than ever. in fact, i found some i hadn't even noticed before. the makeup is totally cakey, the kind i snicker about when i see it on others. (did she put that on with a putty knife, or what?) and my dark undereye circles? i swear they look worse. now they are both dark AND baggy. i look like a haggard streetwalker.

so the moral of the story is...there is a reason we really shouldn't buy things from infomercials. and dummies like me are proof. ; )

girls day

2007-09-30T20:24:00.000-05:00

today my mom, two sisters and i met in the twin cities for a wonderful "girls day." i can honestly say i don't remember the last time the four of us got together, just US. no kids, no men, no cousins, grandmas or friends. just mom and her three daughters! our first stop was this restaurant called "the melting pot". the melting pot was my first encounter with the dining experience of fondue. and it is most definitely an experience! my slightly germaphobe self had a bit of trouble with the whole double dipping thing that is bound to happen. but i survived. and it was fun, if nothing else!

next stop was the mall of america. we spent about two hours doing some hard-core shopping. i generally don't mix hard-core shopping and the MOA, but today was an exception to the rule. i had three critics to help me choose, and it was really fun! i got an adorable dress at the gap, and some great work clothes at NY&Co.

our last stop was a movie: a shameless chick-flick. it was all "fluff" and just what i needed. (along with a generous helping of popcorn and a diet coke.) it was kind of fun to zone out and give my brain a rest.

all in all, it was a lovely day. a little bonding time with the fam. i wonder when we'll manage to do it again?

kid humor

2007-07-31T19:51:00.000-05:00

scene: the kitchen table, ky and ko are coloring.

ky: when i get big like you momma, i'm going to have a girl. and i'm going to give her all kinds of nice girl stuff.

me: really? what if you have a boy?

ky: (thinking) i'll give him to my brother so he can give him lots of rockin boy stuff!

me: (shaking head and smothering a laugh what else can i do? and thinking...where the hell did she get the word "rockin"?)

baby abram update!

2007-07-25T21:37:00.000-05:00

i finally got up the nerve to just CALL e tonight and see how things are going. i have issues with thinking i am bothering people, so i don't call, and then instead end up with the opposite effect of having them think i don't care about or am not thinking about them. which is definitely not the case. i'm such a freak sometimes! part of what i love about e is that she loves me anyway, freak-ness and all. and now i know that i need to call, and do it more often. and i will!

anyway, here's the important stuff: baby abram is supposed to get out of the hospital tomorrow. yay! he's not totally out of the woods yet and will still be on a feeding tube and numerous medications, but he'll be home! they found out that his problems were caused by a virus, which is actually a good thing. with proper care he will recover and probably not have any lingering effects from his illness. he is still a very sick baby but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i am so happy for them, and so relieved!

thanks to all of you who sent good wishes and prayers their way!!!!

baby abram

2007-07-18T19:53:00.000-05:00

i got an unexpected, heartbreaking phone call this morning from my best friend in kansas city. i knew something was wrong as soon as i answered the phone. her voice sounded strained and exhausted. more strained and exhausted than even a new mommy should be feeling.

my initial instinct was right. somthing serious was going on. she was calling to tell me that her sweet little baby boy (about three months old) has been admitted to the hospital. they discovered that he has a serious heart condition. at this point the doctors are unsure of how he got sick. is it something genetic or viral? she mentioned that her sweet little baby may need a heart transplant, and that his chance of recovery is 30%. my heart broke when she said she was glad i was able to meet him, just in case...

i managed to remain fairly strong on the phone, but i was a mess when i hung up. i called the bf to tell him and i broke down. i can only imagine what she and her husband must be going though. i hate being this far away from her. i wish i could be there for her. i wish i could take away her pain. i wish i could tell her that everything is going to be alright. i wish i could fix that darling little boy and send him off for a normal, healthy life. my heart literally aches for them. they are experiencing every parent's worst nightmare.

i am scared. my heart is breaking. i feel helpless when i want so badly to be able to help. i don't know what to do. i want to be the best possible friend to her. i want to give her anything she needs. i want to make her baby well again. i want her to have her happy little family.

to be a mom is to walk around raw for the rest of your life. to be constantly aware of the dangers your child encounters on a regular basis, and of your powerlessness to protect them from most of it. we take it for granted when our children are healthy. we get mad at them for stupid things. we don't appreciate them. we wish they would hurry up and grow up already! we wish they would leave us the hell alone while we try and write on our blog!

life is short. sometimes it is way more short than we could have ever imagined.

i love you erin. i am praying harder than i have ever prayed before in my life. i am a million miles away but i am with you.

please God, PLEASE heal baby Abram.

7 or 8 or maybe 15 things about me...

2007-07-05T19:24:00.001-05:00

okay, i was tagged by my old friend maurey for 8 things about me, and also by my friend worker mommy, for 7 things about me. i'm not sure i want to bore you all with 15 things or if i can even think of that many...so i'll go as far as i can. :)

1. i love to cook. really, truly love it. not baking so much, but cooking. i only wish i had more time to indulge my passion. i would LOVE to take cooking classes, or even just spend more time experimenting at home. but alas, when we get home at six o'clock the kids are ready to eat, NOW! and nothing fancy will do. mac-n-cheese is just fine with them, thanks. and so about once a month i get to really COOK something. it's not nearly enough, but maybe someday i will have more time! (ha!)

2. i am an avid reader. it's one of my favorite things to do. let me curl up with a good book and all of my troubles are gone, at least for a while! i read a pretty wide variety of books, and am currently reading a new one, "In search of Eden" by Linda Nichols. i like to get in reading time every night if i can, and have been doing a bit more while home with my little sickie this week. it's the only thing keeping me sane!

3. i love playing cards. for money. i especially love playing blackjack at the casino. there was a time when i won $700 doing so! in high school and into college we would get some wild and crazy games of cards going for dimes an nickels and such. no big money, but i loved the rush of winning. still do. but i avoid the casino and don't get into too many wild and crazy card games anymore. because while i love the rush of winning, i really can't afford the crash of losing.

4. i love water. oceans, lakes, rivers, ponds...give me water and i am peaceful and happy. not so much to be on the water, but just to be near it. i even named my dog for one of my "water loves". temperance. for the beautiful temperance river in northern mn. my favorite body of water so far is also here in the great state of minnesota: lake superior. i'd live there if i could. just being near it makes me feel good.

5. i curse. kind of a lot, sometimes. and piss-poor drivers bring out the worst in me. i forget myself. i forget my kids. and i SWEAR like a sailor! most of the time i am pretty good at hiding it. i only let loose around a few people. but those lucky souls really get an earful. my favorite cuss word? fucktard. as in: my fucktard neighbors were up at 3:00, shooting off loud ass firecrackers and waking up my kids.

6. i am a former pageant queen. okay, so my only pageant was a small-town event that i participated in only to please my father the city councilor and newspaper man. and i was only the runner-up. but i had to wear an effing wool kilt in small town parades all summer long. that should count for something, right?

7. i no longer speak to my father. it's not necessarily a conscious decision i made, but i haven't spoken to him in over six months. i didn't even call him on father's day. his birthday is tomorrow and i'm not calling him for that, either. i've only seen him once in the last two years. i used to be his favorite child of four. i did anything and everything he asked. i hauled his drunk ass everywhere. i even visited him while he was in jail for multiple dwi's. one day i finally woke up and said, enough! i am cutting this poison out of my life. (this may have been the day after he asked me for $10,000, because he knew i had just been divorced and had sold my house. because hey, what would a single mother starting all over need that money for anyway, right??)

8. i have two sisters and one half sister. i am the oldest. i have no brothers. i am semi-close to my two sisters, but at times feel like the odd man out. three's a crowd and all that. and i don't talk to my half sister very often anymore. she is 19 and is kind of a mess. i half-raised her ungrateful little ass, but she usually only contacts me when she needs something. i'm okay with it though, really. she's had a rough life. i'm there for her when i can be, and will continue to be there when i can.

9. i majored in social work in college. i thought i wanted to "help people." i was inspired by my half-sister's social worker years ago. i wanted to be like her, i wanted to "save" kids. i was in the field for two years, working with troubled kids. but their troubled existences only gave me flashbacks to my own tortured past, and i couldn't handle it anymore. so i quit, and i've rarely looked back. i'm about as far from that now as i can be, working in marketing. i still get to help people at times but it's not so personal, it's not going to ruin anyone's life if i screw up. and it's not going to eat at me after-hours at home. (most of the time, that is.)

10. i am a night-owl. although i have tried to force it out of myself in recent years, i have the most energy at night. i hate getting out of bed in the morning. i hate mornings. and afternoons? totally made for naps! but once the sun starts to go down i feel energized. i have finally gotten to the point though where i am ready for bed at 11:00. the bf is even more of a night-owl than me though, so i usually am up till midnight or so. and then i don't get enough sleep and am never ready to get up in the morning. i NEED my sleep. 8 hours is perfect. but i rarely get it. especially living with a man who thrives on 4-5 hours. still trying to get to a happy medium with that!

11. i am getting sick of myself now, so i think i'll sign off, even though i didn't make it to fifteen. i'm sure you'll get over it. in fact, you're probably breathing a sigh of relief right now, thinking..."thank God she is finally going to stop!"

casmee and rebecca, i'd love to know more about you if you have the time to write a lovely little meme with 7-8 interesting factoids about yourselves. everyone else, i think you've all been tagged, but if not, i'd love to read more about you too!

cheers!

it's five o'clock somewhere...

2007-07-03T12:57:00.001-05:00

right? so it shouldn't matter that i am having a wine cooler for lunch today?

i am at home. and i am dealing with kid puke. and i have to scrub the kitchen floor shortly due to the fact that said child puked on it.

I think i'm justified, right?

bottoms up!

conversations with a five-year-old girl

2007-06-27T08:29:00.000-05:00

this morning on the way to work and daycare, ky was jabbering in the backseat as usual. she was talking about something that happened at daycare yesterday.

ky: "mom. yesterday gabby was trying to pick up a moth when we were outside. and she got it. and i told her to leave it alone but she didn't. i told her she was going to hurt it and she should let it go. but she didn't leave it alone."

me: "yeah, she should have left it alone ky, but gabby doesn't have to do what you tell her to do. just like you don't have to do what she tells you to do."

**pause**

ky: "if gabby jumped off a bridge, i wouldn't jump of the bridge too.

**pause**

ky: "would i, mom?"

news from the south

2007-06-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

my trip to kc this weekend was awesome, but way too short. seems like just when we start to really warm up it's time for me to leave. it sucks.

it took me seven hours to get down there. i listened to the three cd's i burned and the four the bf burned. i got through ALL of them on the way down! it was sweet of the bf to take the time to choose all the music and take the time to burn cd's for me. he put on a bunch of "new" music, plus a few of the classics. i grooved all the way there.

i really enjoyed the first six hours of the drive, but it began to wear thin during the last hour...all of which was spent manuvering the city and trying to get to e's house. it sucked to know that mile-wise, i was so close, but because of the traffic it took forever! the drive back was only six hours! a whole hour of my day burned in traffic. i guess there really are some good things about living in a smaller city!

it was wonderful to see e and meet her adorable baby boy. where in the past our laughs were based on our own silliness and/or level of intoxication, this time it was everything baby. his facial expressions were hilarious, and we tortured the poor darling with a super cute little bucket hat i brought for him. it was really cool seeing what a wonderful mother e is and neat to watch her and the baby interact.

leaving was very bittersweet. i was so happy that we were able to reconnect again, but so sad knowing that i probably won't get to see her again for at least another six months. being there really reminded me of how much i still have that hole in my life, with my best friend and i living so far apart. i have other friends of course. really good friends. and i have my sisters. thank god for them all! but sometimes i just want to be able to call up e to meet up for a drink after work. or to go out for lunch. or go shopping. or have a playdate. anything.

i miss her so much.

on the road again

2007-06-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

tomorrow i'm hitting the road to see my best friend e in kansas city. i took off work for tomorrow and rented a car. i'll be on the road at about 8:30 in the morning, beginning the 7ish hour drive. another alone trip! i'm really excitecd to see her, and her new baby, and to just have hours upon hours alone in the car, singing at the top of my lungs to whatever the hell i feel like listening to.

i haven't seen e in six months. i miss her like crazy. we met in college and bonded over cigarette breaks in between our social work classes. we quickly became very close. i have never had a friend like her in my entire life, and don't expect i ever will again. it's hard to explain really, but when she moved out of state i was breaking up with a boyfriend at the same time. and i cried WAY more over her leaving than i did over breaking up with my five year, high school sweetheart.

any long-distance relationship is hard to maintain, and we try our best to stay connected. the phone calls and emails become less and less, and i know we aren't as close as we once were. but when we get together it's like we were never apart. i can talk to her about ANYTHING. whenever i need real, honest advice, she is the one i turn to. she will tell it like it is, whether i want to hear it or not. and my God, do we laugh. and laugh and laugh and laugh.

even though we don't talk as much anymore, she is still important to me. i still love her like a sister. and she is still my best friend. i can't wait to see her again, and meet her precious baby.

suckingly sucktastic tooth fairy

2007-06-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

ky lost a tooth on friday night. we were out with all the kids eating pizza when it came out. ky was pretty cool about the whole thing, i think this is about the fifth or sixth tooth she has lost, so she's a little pro.

when we got home that night, we prepared an envelope for the tooth fairy and tucked the little lost tooth inside. ky proudly filed it under her pillow.

the next morning, the envelope was still under her pillow, and there was no cash prize to be found. ky was a bit worried, but i told her that the tooth fairy was probably really busy and would show up the next night.

saturday night we tucked the envelope under her pillow again. sunday morning? same thing. damn tooth fairy was still really "busy". (eff, eff, eff! i am the WORST mom in the world.)

so, last night we gave it one more try. "i'm sure she'll come tonight." i told ky. "she has to be all caught up by now."

this morning? effing envelope was still under her pillow! why? cuz i can't effing remember to play tooth fairy! and i suck!

i sent ky to the bathroom and grabbed a dollar bill. i stuffed it under her pillow in a spot she hadn't looked. i had her come back into the room and pick up her pillow. she grabbed the money but looked less than thrilled.

a few minutes later, as we were putting the dollar bill in her piggy bank, ky looked me in the eye and said, "mom, is that your dollar?" crap. she's smarter than i give her credit for.

and i am a suckingly sucktastic tooth fairy.

shopping

2007-06-15T08:58:00.001-05:00

the scene: target bathroom

the players: my children, ky and ko, each in separate bathroom stalls, strangers in the other two stalls.

*really, really loud gas sound*

ky: "whoa, ko! you farted, that was really loud!" (cackles with laughter.)

*silence and chirping crickets*

ko: "i didn't fart."

(the noise did in fact, come from the lady in stall one.)

me (trying hard not to burst out laughing) : "ky, can you just finish up and be quiet please?"

narcoleptic?

2007-06-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

i just ditched a meeting a few minutes early. even though my bosses were there. because i couldn't stay awake. not because i didn't get enough sleep last night. i got my usual 6-7 hours or so. oh no, it's because the leader of the meeting bored me to tears. at least i think that's what it is. or maybe i'm narcoleptic?

"The main characteristic of narcolepsy is overwhelming excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), even after adequate night time sleep. A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or to fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places. Daytime naps may occur with or without warning and may be physically irresistible. These naps can occur several times a day."

i do seem to have this problem during certain meetings. and it's always the worst early in the week, and almost always in the afternoon. my eyes start to burn, my head gets heavy and i feel myself nodding off. kind of like i am now, maybe i'll just crawl under my desk for a few minutes ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

boston day three

2007-05-22T21:18:00.000-05:00

today was a fabulous day at the convention. the sessions seemed much more applicable to my business and i even did a bit of networking. i also picked up some fun little trinkets for the kiddos from some of the exhibits. i'm sure they will be excited about the things i plan to bring them. i didn't get to talk to them tonight, they were already in bed when i called. i miss the little buggers already and will be happy to see them on saturday. i bet it will only take me a few hours before i am ready to leave again though! : )

i met up with my friend K again tonight after the conference. we went to a cute little restaurant down by the harbor. there is NOTHING like fresh seafood. it was incredible. fantastic. awesome. my mercury levels are going to be severly elevated by the end of my trip here, but i don't care. it was amazing. i also had a strawberry daquari and the best sangria ever. because i am such a lightweight, i was feeling pretty warm and fuzzy by the time dinner was over, which definitely helped in my decision to smoke not one, but three cigarettes thoughout the course of the night. i stink again, and my mouth tastes gross, but i don't care. this will be the last time i will smoke again in a long, long, long time. i enjoyed partaking in this "forbidden" fruit on this my last night of "freedom".

after dinner, K and i headed over to a divey little bar that sells $2 tap beers. i had two more drinks there and enjoyed some good conversation with K. she is one of those people that not everyone likes or "gets". she is jaded and cynical like i am. she is also very confident and knows what she wants. i know this comes across as arrogance to many people, and maybe it is. but i really have enjoyed my time here with her. she has been wonderful to me during my stay here, serving as tour guide, friend, cigarette supplier, transportation guru...she has been totally awesome. she LIVES the work hard, play hard philosophy like no one else i know. my experience here definitely wouldn't have been the same without her. she has hung out with me as little or as much as i wanted and has totally respected my desire for alone time. she is definitely a girl that is wise beyond her 25 years. it's been really fun talking with her.

the bf is arriving here tomorrow afternoon. i have mixed feelings about it. part of me feels like i still need more time alone. this stay has gone so fast! i wouldn't be opposed to another day or two of "me" time. my visions of me sitting on the beach, staring at the water and contemplating life never really materialized. perhaps i will have to save that for a solo trip to duluth or grand marais this fall, becuase i have a feeling i will be taking solo trips a lot more often from here on out, if i can swing it.

not sure when i'll be updating you all on tomorrow's bf reunion, it tends to be a bit difficult to blog with the bf around. i have never let him read this blog or told him the name or address. i'm sure he could find it if he wanted to, being a tech guru and all, but so far he has respected my blogging privacy.

goodbye for now, hopefully i will have wonderful news of a romantic reunion soon! if not, i will at least have a tale of wild, passionate, sex...which is probably better anyway, right?

boston, food, wine, walking and...smoking

2007-05-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

i am LOVING being in boston. more than just being in boston, i am LOVING being alone. independent. i love the feeling i got from being able to navigate boston public transportation with three station switches to get to the conference this morning. i love traveling alone. i just do. it's something i've never done before. i get an odd rush from it. maybe it's the small town girl in me, proud that i can go it alone in a very large unfamiliar city. whatever it is, it's good.

i actually haven't been completely alone though... yesterday i met up with an ex-coworker who moved to boston about six months ago. she and i did some walking and went on a quick overview of some of the sights. we met up again tonight and did the same thing. walking, dinner & drinks, talking. it's been fun catching up with her. i did something very naughty tonight though: i smoked. i had one cigarette. i haven't touched a smoke in well over a year. my friend K is a very casual smoker, a pack can last her two weeks or two days, depending on what is going on. K and i first bonded at work over the discovery that we both (at the time) smoked and hid it from our co-workers. i don't plan on ever starting to smoke again. i don't plan on telling the bf or anyone else (well, besides my blogosphere friends) that i smoked. it's just something i felt like doing. and i did. and it wasn't gross, but i hate the smell and the way my mouth tastes right now, and the way my hair and even my fingers stink. i'm glad i quit, but i'm glad i tried one tonight. just for old time's sake.

the kids and the bf are surviving in my absense. the kids are driving their dad nuts already, i'm sure he will be more than ready to push them out the door when i get back. the bf says he's still surprised at how much he misses me, which is good. i miss them all too, but i wouldn't give up this experience for the world. i have one more full day and another night alone tomorrow. another day to savour this wonderful independence and "aloneness". after this trip, i think i'm going to have to repeat it, though likely on a smaller scale, every 6 months or so. it's absolutely refreshing.

solo

2007-05-20T19:53:00.000-05:00

i love traveling. i love traveling even when it means i have to get up at 3:00 am after three hours of sleep to drive my rental car 1.5 hours to the airport. in the rain. alone. blissfully alone. with the radio cranked and singing at the top of my lungs to whatever the hell i feel like listening to.

i cried when i dropped off the kids yesterday. i cried when i left the house and the bf this morning. i'm weird like that. i was very much looking forward to this trip and to the alone time, but i always have problems with saying goodbye to my loved ones. i'm fine now. i miss them all, but i'm enjoying this time in a new city on my own.

right now i am hanging out on my king sized hotel bed, apple ibook on my lap and my ipod singing in my ears. i talked to the bf a little bit ago. he misses me. he didn't expect to miss me so much. that feels nice. i miss him too, but i wouldn't change this. i need this. we need this. it is good.

32 hours and counting

2007-05-18T22:21:00.000-05:00

have i mentioned lately how ready i am to leave??? bf and i made up but are still both very irritable and easily annoyed by each other. i'm not entirely sure wtf is going on, but i really do feel like time apart will be good for us.

tonight i am thinking about how much i will miss my kiddos, though. this will be the longest i have ever been away from them. i will take them to their dad's tomorrow afternoon and then won't be picking them up until next saturday afternoon. that's ONE WHOLE WEEK away from them. granted, they can surely be little monsters, but i know i will miss them terribly. which will probably be good too, in the long run. it doesn't hurt to have a bit of time apart to make me appreciate what i have even more.

overall, i know the trip will do me good. hopefully i'll come back refreshed and happy and maybe i'll even have cheerful, happy things to blog about. seems like that is somewhat of a rarity for me lately.

three, two, one...blast off!

2007-05-17T19:44:00.000-05:00

three days from now i will be heading off to boston on my very first solo flight. i will be staying alone in a strange city for three days. i will be getting my very first glimpse of the ocean. as i listen to my kids fighting in the bathroom right now, i look forward to all this with great anticipation.

truly, this couldn't come at a better time for me. the bf and i have gone through another rocky patch. definitely not as severe as past ones, but rocky nonetheless. i have been craving alone time, and i am finally going to get it!

the trip is for work, and i am flying out early sunday morning. my conference goes from monday-wednesday. then, the bf is flying out to meet me on wednsday to stay two nights - a mini-vacation for the two of us. after my three nights of alone time, i'm sure i will be very happy to see him. it such a great feeling, seeing someone again after missing them for a while. because the old cliché is true really, absence does make the heart grow fonder.

root canal part II and other good news...

2007-05-17T13:53:00.000-05:00

so today i went and had my root canal finished up. it took two hours! and it was just as horrible as the first visit. plus it's costing me boatloads. i wonder if i should just have them all yanked out and get dentures? okay, maybe not, they aren' that bad, but i HATE spending my money on getting tortured in the dentist's chair for hours on end. i had expected i would be able to go back to work, but i look like i am paralyzed on the left side of my face and i don't feel like being the butt of jokes there, so i'm working from home this afternoon. i'm in pain, but no vicodin for me today. just good old fashioned advil, once i'm sure i won't swallow my tounge trying to take it. i'm still pretty numb.

bf and i sort of made up last night, but there was no dirty fun involved, and things were definitely not back to normal. then today he got mad at me again when he came home for lunch. i was giving him crap for having a photo of an ex girlfriend in our photo file on the computer. i said it in a kidding tone, or so i thought. but perhaps it didn't actually come out that way. and now we're in a heated im conversation. i'm not good at fighting. i never really have been. it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. and i'm generally not a wimpy or emotional person.

why do i write such detail about our fights? no one else does! i guess i find it oddly therapuetic, to blog about my problems, to "air my dirty laundry" so to speak. then i am usually embarassed when i go back and read them later.

honestly, i would rather be writing about things that are funny.

pet peeve of the day...

2007-05-16T10:39:00.000-05:00

people who fight dirty.

because i know i am wrong sometimes. or, make that a lot. i know i say dumb things. but is it necessary to throw it in my face? is it necessary to be so stinking MEAN?

i forgive easily. why can't you?

Vicodin + DDG = Very Bad News

2007-05-13T20:35:00.000-05:00

so...friday found me crowing about the vicodin i received to cope with my root canal. mmmm...good, strong vicodin would make me very happy, i thought. i bragged to my blogosphere friends about how cool it was that i had vicodin in my possession. the root canal pain was bad friday morning, so i took two vicodin shortly after i arrived at work. the night before i had taken a few, it seemed to take care of the pain very well. no big deal to take a couple, i thought.

at around 11:00 am, i started to feel weird. i was a bit dizzy and out of sorts, and not making a ton of sense as i tried to help my fave co-worker, BBMG, work out a problem. it was kind of funny. then the nausea kicked in. it was intense. i sat at my desk with my head laying on my arms, taking deep breaths and trying to get rid of the horrible feeling. BBMG was sweet and brought me some bubbly soda, and encouraged me to eat a bit. nothing was working. i was disappointed when i realized i would not be able to join BBMG for a nice relaxing lunch. i was going to have to head home and lay down a bit.

both my boss and BBMG offered me a ride home, but i figured i would make it home just fine. i grabbed the bag out of my garbage, just in case. i hopped in the car and rolled down the windows. i made it about a mile when i started feeling that horrible sensation of vomit on the way. there were several cars behind me with no where to pull over. so, i did the only thing i could. i grabbed the garbage bag with one hand and held the steering wheel with the other as i very violently tossed my cookies. thank God i managed to get it all neatly in the bag, and even better, the bag appeared not to have any holes in it!

when i got home i was like the living dead. every time i moved an inch i felt rolling waves of nausea. bf called at some point and urged me to try and eat. i grabbed a bowl of shredded wheat and managed two bites. my reaction was so strong that i had to lay down on the bed, the bowl of cereal and milk at my side. i couldn't even muster up the strength to take the bowl to the kitchen.

at some point in the afternoon, i spent some time laying on the bathroom floor. i don't remember the last time i have been that ill. and the worst part of it all? bf had no sympathy for me. he said it was my own fault that i didn't eat enough before taking the pills. (that morning i had half a donut, two 100 calorie packs and a bottle of green tea, but whatever.) so besides being violently ill, i was sobbing because bf was being so mean.

only later i found out that both my sister and my grandma have had the same reactions to vicodin. both are considered "allergic". that sure would have been nice to know.

now, i am dealing with the pain in this way: good old fashioned advil.

and the bf? well, i finally forgave him for being a dickhead. but next time he is ill i might just decide to kick him in the teeth.

sweet relief in the form of vicodin

2007-05-11T08:29:00.000-05:00

why is it that even when you have your mouth cranked and propped and your face half numb, those fools at the dentist's office STILL try to get you to carry on a conversation? root canals suck enough the way it is. i don't feel like small talking with you mr. dentist, even if you are a TOTAL hottie. (new dentist, and MAN is he adorable!)

the appointment took forever, and they are still not done with my root canal. they sucked up all the nerves and relieved the pressure. i go back next week to have the cavity drilled and filled. the best part of the whole thing? they gave me vicodin. mmmm....good stuff. i was one happy girl last night.

anyway, i am feeling much better today. my mouth is tender and bruised, but i no longer feel like my tooth is going to explode.
and it's a beautiful, sunny day. and friday. and i get to go to lunch with my fave co-worker. and i just took two vicodin. life is good.

agony

2007-05-10T09:58:00.000-05:00

i am in absolute agony today. i have had toothache for about a week now. i've been popping advil like it's going out of style. and i mean, like, 2-3 every 2-3 hours. today i finally have a dentist appointment. so i decided i should probably lay off the painkillers so that i can explain exactly where the problem is coming from. OMG! it's BAD people! it radiates down my neck and up to my ear. i want to cry but i think my coworkers would be scared.

i, like many i know, hate, hate, hate going to the dentist. and i'm pretty sure that today is going to be a root canal day. i hate the needle, hate the shot, hate having my mouth pried open like a large mouth bass. but most of all? i HATE having half of my face numb. i can't stand the way it feels. for me it's the worst part of the whole thing.

maybe they could just give me some of these instead?

my little darlings

2007-05-09T22:27:00.000-05:00

just had to share this pic of my little darlings at the wedding over the weekend.

and this close up of my little man, in a tux no less!

and last but not least my little self-proclaimed princess:

that's all for tonight, folks! tune in tomorrow for more exciting news from the land of the domestically challenged.

i think i'm alone now...

2007-05-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

tonight i am essentially home alone. the kids are asleep. the bf is away at a twins baseball game two hours away. he won't be home for a few hours yet. me? i am in heaven! it has been a long time since i have been without the bf past 8:00. he hasn't been doing as much freelancing lately. and he is home. every. stinking. night. granted, when we first started dating, i whined and pissed and moaned about him being gone so much and home so late every night. now? well, it's nice that he's home more, but...i am very much enjoying some "me" time tonight.

i purchased a six back of beer tonight. getting drunk, you ask? oh no. here is a true sign of aging: i bought the beer specifically to make beer bread. in fact, i tried to drink a bottle. i had one swig. it was all i could handle. determined to ingest some sort of alcohol, i settled on a bacardi silver strawberry that has been in the fridge for months. and hey, one of those on an empty stomach? well, it's just enough to make me feel warm and fuzzy. give me another and i'll probably pass out on the kitchen floor.

i am going to milk this night for all it's worth. i am going to eat crackers in bed. and drink my bacardi. and crank my music. and read some trashy tabloid websites. maybe i'll even turn on the t.v. because hey, i'm wild and crazy like that.

the "m" word

2007-05-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

maybe it's just because we have so many weddings coming up, and we just had his dad's over the weekend, but the bf has been talking more about marriage again.

"are we going to have to do this for our wedding? are we going to have to do that?"

i. am. freaked.

i mean, i know he would probably marry me today if i wanted to. that's not a secret really. but...i'm still not ready. not to marry him or anyone. not really even ready to think about it.

and there is still that little matter of trust...it's been a mere four months since the whole "cheating incident" unfolded. although things have gotten better i still don't fully trust him. and i really don't want to marry someone i don't trust.

the bf is so different from anyone else i've ever been with. he is much more independent. he has TONS of friends who are girls. he is uber outgoing. he has a lot of things going on in his life that i am not a part of. this is all both good and bad, but mostly it's just different. and sometimes it's hard to trust new and different. especially when new and different cheated on you with one of his "friends" at work.

i love him, i really do. i know he loves me too. and i definitely see us together for a long time. but forever? i don't know. i've been burned before. i'm afraid to be optimistic. i am incredibly cynical.

how will i know? how will i really know i am ready? because i thought i knew once, and then it ended. in divorce.

the skinny

2007-05-08T09:39:00.000-05:00

this morning after my daughter got dressed, she came to me and said her shorts were falling down. sure enough, they were hanging off her tiny little body.

"you're just so dang skinny!" i said. "we'll have to find you a different pair."

ky looked at me and said "mom, are you skinny?"

"i don't know, what do you think ky, am i skinny or fat?" i replied.

"mom, fat is a bad word, isn't it?" she said gravely.

so i guess i won't be looking to her for any confidence building anytime soon...

10 things you may or may not want to know...

2007-05-07T11:57:00.000-05:00

so, i got tagged by the wonderful ms. whiskeymarie to write 10 interesting things about myself. i've had a hard time coming up with good post ideas lately, so what better than to talk about me, me, me! i'm not sure i can come up with 10 things that are all that interesting, but i'm game to try!

1. i was married in vegas. unlike whiskeymarie's story, there was no fat, singing elvis invlolved. just me and my husband-to-be. we actually took one of those buses that goes up and down the strip to our little chapel. i was wearing a black dress. go figure, the marriage didn't last.

2. i truly hate weddings. it doesn't matter whose wedding it is. they make me uncomforable and squirmy. i'm not sure when this began, but certainly prior to my own vegas wedding. this may be related to the fact that my parents have both been married and divorced multiple times. i guess you could say i don't have a whole lot of faith in marriage. i watch these people saying their vows and am completely cynical about the whole thing. forever? ha! if forever means until you have an affair with your secretary, maybe.

3. i used to be fat. size 14-16 fat. i mean no offense to anyone when i say it, this is just my own assessment of myself. in high school, i was one of those skinny little prom queen types. i was best friends with the queen bee. i had the hottest boyfriend. then came college. i gained over 50 pounds during the first couple of years and the weight stayed on throughout most of my 20's. i hit an all time high of 222 when i was pregnant with my 1st child. i lost a lot of weight about two years ago, and am now down to 6-8. i feel much better about myself, though sometimes i think i will never be happy with my size. i have managed to keep the weight off but it is a daily struggle for me.

4. i am thirty years old and have not yet seen the ocean. i have done my fair share of traveling within our fair country. the land-locked states i have traversed number in the twenties, and i have even been to our northern neigbor of canada. but my trips to a nice warm sunny ocean beach equal zero. me, who absolutely LOVES water and was born near the beautiful lake superior. i will catch my first glimpse of the ocean in two weeks when i go to boston for work. it won't be the same as sitting on a warm, sunny florida beach. but it's the ocean. and i'll take it.

5. i have almost never been single. i surely haven't been single more than six months since the age of 15. i'm not entirely sure why this is. in some cases, i literally went from one boy to the next. i'd dump one for the other. i've had some pretty long term relationships, too. never really took the opportunity to just date, date, date! i'm not sure why this is. some sort of deep-seeded insecurity and fear of being alone, i suppose. i like to think that right now, i'd be okay with being alone. but i am dating a great guy who is my best friend. and i'm okay with that, too.

6. i ran away from home once. i was fifteen. i was living with my mom and horrible minister step-father. it was hell. one sunday, while they all went to church, i played sick and stayed home. i had arranged for my boyfriend at the time, who lived two hours away, to come and pick me up. i quickly stashed clothes into a duffle bag and met him on the street behind my house. i moved in with my dad and evil step-mother. i guess you could say it was the lesser of two evils. i spend ages 15-19 bouncing around between homes, never really feeling like i belonged anywhere.

7. i was drinking, smoking, stealing and sneaking out by age 14. i was living with my mom and abusive step-father. i did anything i could think of to cope. i'd steal cigarettes in cahoots with the "bad boys" in our little town. i'd sneak onto the roof at night to puff marlboro lights and swig from a stolen bottle of tequila. i cut, carved and burned my arms. i remember hiding my cigarettes in the pants of my cabbage patch doll. i started things on fire and made "torches" with hairspray and matches. i was a total mess.

8. i attended full-time college my senior year of high school. despite my crazy life, my grades were actually pretty decent. i left the high school crap behind and forged ahead with my future. i started out majoring in marketing and then switched to social work. i graduated with a social work degree and then worked in that field for two years. now i am in marketing and never want to go back to social work if i can help it. go figure.

9. i quit smoking for good over a year ago. i had been a smoker since fourteen. not a serious smoker at fourteen of course, the hard-core stuff didn't kick in till about age sixteen, when my dad starting buying cigarettes for me and allowed me to smoke in the house. (no lie) the day of my divorce was the last day i had even a puff.

10. i have actually grown to enjoy single parenting. granted, i'm not completely on my own, bf is there a lot. but i enjoy my alone time with the kids. i like taking care of them. it can be very stressful, don't get me wrong. but i actually enjoy the responsibility of taking care of these two little lives all on my own. and i'm determined to do a much better job of it than i did of taking care of myself over the years. i want to be someone my kids can be proud to call their mom. i fully embrace that challenge.

two is better than one

2007-05-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

so, my children met the lesbian couple and their daughter for the first time over the weekend. i wondered if my daughter would ask me any questions about it. nothing at all was said until sunday morning at the breakfast table, said couple was sitting right across from us.

"mom, does olivia have two moms?" she asked in her loudly curious little voice.

"ah, yes ky, oliva has two moms. isn't she lucky?"

silence

"i want two moms!"

sorry honey, no can do...

modern day family

2007-05-07T09:04:00.000-05:00

the wedding event this past weekend was delicious fare for all of the small town gossips in attendance. you could just see them soaking it all in with delight. i bet they had a very good response rate to their invitations. here are just a few of the highlights:

1. the bf and his sister are Korean. they were adopted together when the bf was five and his sister was two.

2. the bf's adopted mom passed away about six-seven years ago.

3. the bride left her first husband for the groom about four years ago.

4. the bride has a daughter who is a lesbian.

5. the bride's lesbian daughter is "married" and she and her partner have a two year old daughter.

6. the bride's lesbian daughter's partner is pregnant.

7. the bf's ex-wife was at the wedding.

8. the bf's ex-wife and her boyfriend manned the guest book at the reception and were listed on the program as the "host and hostess".

9. the bf's ex-wife took a picture of the bf, her kids, my kids and i. i returned the favor and took a picture of her, her bf and the kids.

10. the bf's ex-wife stopped over and chatted with me for a bit, you could almost hear the strain of one hundred pairs of ears trying to catch what we were saying.

and the winner is...

2007-05-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

none of the options below. the bf vetoed my desire for all the zappos options. i mean, i could have just purchased them anyway, but thought i'd keep the peace...so i ended up with this lovely pair from target:

no, they aren't wedges. they are pretty much cheap-o basics. less than $20. yes, i gave up the shoe battle. but no one can make me cancel my manicure and pedicure for tomorrow. and i'm keeping my fancy hair appointment too!

there is a bright side...

2007-05-01T09:42:00.000-05:00

shoes, shoes, glorious shoes!

as you may have seen on a previous post, this is the dress i am wearing to the godforsaken wedding:

next up? shoes. the bf is only 2 inches taller than me, and i don't like my men shorter. so...i am somewhat limited as to my selection. the heel cannot cause me to tower over my beloved.

here are some of my shoe options, courtesy of zappos.com:

thoughts, comments, opinions, votes?

can't...do...it

2007-05-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

i can't do it. i can't go to the wedding. i just want to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers. the bf isn't being sympathetic. i want sympathy. i need sympathy. i need understanding. this is worse for me than it is for him. really, it is. they all love her. think she's just effing perfect. i will be on display. the whole day. i look better than her, but that isn't the problem. and i'm not being arrogant, that's just a fact. but i'm not good at being stared at. i didn't have a wedding for that very reason. when i got married, i went to vegas. they were married for ten years. everyone knows her. no one knows me. we will both likely be in the family pictures they are taking. i don't want to do this. i can't do this. i won't do this. i quit.

welcome to the twilight zone

2007-04-30T09:59:00.000-05:00

in exactly 5 days, i will be participating in a wedding celebration that is straight out of the twilight zone. this is not an exaggeration. it is the absolute truth. here are the facts:

*the groom is the bf's father.
*the bride has three grown children.
*the groom has two children, including the bf.
*the bride has one grandchild, born of her lesbian daughter's "wife".
*the groom has two grandchildren, the bf's two sons.
*the wedding is quite large for a second wedding, with approximately 150 guests.

i have only been dating the bf for a smidge over a year. i do not know the bride or the groom all that well, really. we've had a few birthday dinners together, been to their home for a couple of holiday dinners, seen them at the boys' t-ball games a time or two.

now, for some of the very odd facts:

*the bride and groom rented a $137 tux for my three year old son to hand out programs.
*the bride requested that i purchase my five year old daughter a black and/or white dress, she will also be handing out programs.
*the bride requested that i purchase myself a black dress. this attire was requested so that i will fit into the black & white theme of their wedding and will match the rest of the party when "family" pictures are taken. (family? i'm not family, am i?)
*i can pretty much guarantee that the ex-wife and her boyfriend will be included in the family pictures. (i am not making this up, either)
*the bride and groom asked if i would take candid photos in addition to the professional photographer they have hired.
*last week, the bride asked me if i would be her personal attendant.
(yes, i am to be the personal attendant, a photographer, and also need to watch over my three and five year olds as they hand out programs.)

and now for the biggest kicker:
*the bf's ex-wife and her boyfriend are the host and hostess of the wedding. (no, i am not making this up.)

to say that i am dreading this affair is a major understatement. i have been trying to come up with some sort of near-fatal illness that will render me unable to fulfill my duties. lucky for me i did find a hot dress to wear in the event that i am unable to fabricate an excuse for my absense:

Dress: Ann Taylor, $98
Shoes: TBD, $59?
Hair: $75
Nails: $49
Attending your possible future father-in-law's wedding along with your bf's ex wife: Priceless.

my 15 minutes of fame

2007-04-25T18:24:00.000-05:00

Here are the very thought-provoking interview questions sent to me by my favorite blogosphere author, the talented and lovely Maurey Pierce.

1) You have two gorgeous children. Which was worse, being pregnant or giving birth? Why? (Please use the words "placenta," "belly," and "epidural" in your answer.)

Giving birth was definitely worse than being pregnant. I kind of liked being pregnant, even though I got absolutely HUGE while pregnant with my first child. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I gained almost 50 pounds. I have so many ugly stretch marks on my belly now that I will NEVER again be seen in a bikini, even though I am now 75 pounds lighter than I was while preggo and in better shape than I've been in for over 10 years.

Read this: when I birthed my darling little babies, the hospital in my city did not offer epidurals. For real. I had to go virtually drug free. I don't recommend it. What I do recommend however, is having the doctor show you the placenta after you have the baby. For real. Because hey, how many people can say they've seen a placenta up close?

2) This is a common one, but it's a good one. If Iran called up W tomorrow and said that "the bomb" was on its way to our Midwestern homes, what would you serve up for dinner? (You can use a combination of homemade and restaurant fare, if you like.) And who would you invite to share in the feast?

Appetizers: Unlimited chips and salsa from our local mexican restaurant. Cauliflower with veggie dip. Ruffles potato chips with Top the Tater for dipping. Bacon wrapped water chesnuts. Taco dip and tortilla chips.

Salad: Olive Garden

Main Course: Chicken lettuce wraps, beef and broccoli, lemon chicken and white rice from PF Changs. Cheesy potatoes. Mushroom stroganoff from Noodles & Company. Crab legs. Broiled scallops. Chicken fettuccini alfredo. Lasagna.

Drinks: Straberry Daquaris, Peach Margaritas, Cherry Coke, Muscato di Asti wine.

Bread: Oodles and oodles of breads. Yum. Oh, and bagels too.

Dessert: Every kind of cheesecake imaginable. Oh, and those frosted cut-out cookies from that bakery in Fort Dodge, Iowa that my KC BFF brought for me at Christmas time. They are to die for!

Cigarettes: Marlboro Lights. (No, I don't smoke anymore, but hey, if we're going to die anyway, why not puff a few?)

The guest list:
The bf
My children and the bf's children
My sisters and their families
My mom, stepdad and grandparents
My bff's

Nope, no one famous. I do like my trashy tabloid website and occasional people magazine, but I have absolutely no celebrity crushes or obsessions.

3) Would you rather ... be born with a refrigerator on your back, or have your saliva permanently transmuted to urine? As any high school English teacher would say, you gotta back up your answer.

Though it might be fun to spew saliva at certain poeple, I'd have to choose being born with a refrigerator on my back. Think of what a hit I would be at parties!

"Hey DDG, can you grab another cold one for me baby?"

"Sure!" I would reply. "Just reach into the handy dandy refrigerator on my back and grab one."

"Thanks DDG, you're the best! I've never met a girl like you before. Wanna move into my double wide trailer and be my personal mobile fridge?"

Okay, so maybe that wouldn't be so great, but here is an actual benefit:
Food anytime I want it. And then working it off by lugging around the weight of the fridge and it's contents.

4) You spend a lot of time on your blog talking about your relationship with the bf. What are the top five things about him that make you crazy? How about the top five things that make you get all squishy inside?

What drives me crazy about the bf:

1. I hate, hate, hate when he sets his empty pop cans, wrappers and the like on the counter. We have a little something called a recycle bin. Please use it! We also have something called a garbage. Do I need to spell this out to him?

2. He is NEVER on time. I mean NEVER. And we're not talking minutes here.

3. He is a big procrastinator.

4. He is a work-aholic.

5. His laptop is an appendage.

Now for what I love:

1. He cries at sappy movies and reaches for my hand.

2. He brings me little gifts, just to let me know he is thinking of me. A magazine, a cd, a book or some other sweet little trinket.

3. He likes to cuddle.

4. He tells me he loves me all the time, even when his friends are around.

5. He can make me laugh till I cry.

5) Finally ... you've lived a long and fruitful life. Well, okay, not THAT long. :-) If you died tomorrow, what would your epitaph read?

Here lies DDG,
she gave it her all,
she experienced a lot
and had an effing ball.

or this one might be fun too:

Don't tread on me,
laying under the grass,
and don't you dare pee,
or I'll come haunt your ass.

Okay, okay, I'll stop now.

I think most of my blogosphere pals have already done this, but if anyone wants me to interview them, just post and let me know!

random thoughts from the desk of a disgruntled marketing employee

2007-04-24T15:34:00.000-05:00

* to biff: buy some of your own damn lotion! i am sick of you coming over to my desk asking to use my lotion because your hands are sooooo dry. i don't care about your hands. they can dry and flake and crack until they fall off for all i care. really. i don't like you. i'm serious.

*to bubbles: if you don't stop your fake giggling, i'm going to club you over the head with my ruler. or maybe i'll just whip my stapler over my cubicle wall and listen to the satisfying cluck it's sure to make when it connects with your melon. i think that might make me feel better. in fact, i'm pretty sure it would.

* to stinky: when you use the bathroom to relieve your, um, digestive system, please be courteous and make it quick. i do not appreciate being assaulted with the odor of your rotting bowels while i make one of my multiple trips to potty. and for God sakes, use the damn deodorizing room spray. better yet, go use the bathroom down in the basement. there are only like, three people working on that floor. better to disrupt three than thirty. especially when yours truly is part of the thirty.

* to management: i have a life outside of work. really, i do. please refrain from giving me projects with a 1-2 day deadline. i don't appreciate working until 12:30 a.m. even if i am at home in bed with the laptop and a beer. i cannot guarantee the quality of work that is done in this manner.

* to ms. brown-noser: maybe you should make your ass-kissing a little more obvious. cuz that email you sent out about how we should get our department together and volunteer as a group to work for FREE for our "sister" company and oh won't it be so much fun tra la la wasn't plain enough. i don't think the manager got it.

* to mr. company president: if you are going to hold an "open forum" all employee meeting, be prepared for people to actually speak their minds and (horror of horrors) ask you unplanned questions. don't reprimand people after the meeting just because they put you on the spot or made you uncomfortable. the truth hurts. if you didn't want an open forum, don't ask for it. go ahead and live in your la la land. maybe you should hook up with bubbles.

is anyone really color blind?

2007-04-19T09:40:00.000-05:00

unless you live in a hole in the ground, you have heard about the shootings at virginia tech earlier this week. you also probably know that the madman responsible for it all was south korean. not that his race should matter. but this is america, and even though we like to pretend it doesn't, race does matter, doesn't it?

in case you haven't gathered this from previous posts and or pictures, the bf is asian. he is originally from south korea and was adopted by his caucasian parents and brought to the u.s. at about age 5. (no one is sure of his exact age, his adopted parents were told his approximate age and then picked his birth date for him.)

last night my kids went over to visit their dad for a couple of hours after daycare. this morning at the breakfast table, my little darlings were talking about something they had seen on tv last night.

ky: "there was this guy on tv, and he hurt all these people and made some of them die. and he looked just like you, N!"

first, kids ages 3 and 5 should not be watching the news in my opinion. there are things that they just don't need to be exposed to or be worrying about yet. the tv is almost never on in my home. the only time the kids watch it is when american idol is on, or maybe on a rainy day when i put in an age-appropriate movie for them.

second, how does a five year old come up with that? the gunman really didn't look much like the bf at all, except for them both being asian. if the guy had been white, would she have said "that guy looked just like my dad!" i think not.

third, as a parent, how do i teach my child not to see race? or discriminate based on race? and how do i do this when last night, at the grocery store, there was a scrawny little asian guy behind me in line. and he did look sort of like the gunman at virginia tech. and it crossed my mind, that he looked like that guy. and i was ashamed.

best. weekend. ever.

2007-04-16T09:41:00.000-05:00

i had a most fabulous weekend. i didn't want it to end. why did it have to end??

first of all, i was off work on friday. the sun was shining. the birds were singing. i met my girls for peach margaritas, chips and salsa. my favorite drink, my favorite snack, two of my favorite people and even a little bit of shopping after. need i say more?

friday night the bf and i watched a movie at home, and then saturday morning the we slept in. we had a nice little late morning romp, after which the bf took me out for my favorite meal...crab legs! i could eat crab legs every day for the rest of my life. i'd be swollen as hell from the salt, but i'd be happy. yum!

we made plans to head to minneapolis for the twins baseball game later that day, so after lunch we headed out shopping for minnesota twins shirts! i found a really cute red nike polo shirt at scheels, although i really wanted to buy the t-shirt we found at penny's that made me look like i had double d's and made the bf's eyes pop out of his head. i think i'll sneak back there and buy that one, just to wear at home. *wink*

we decided to take the light rail from the MOA to the dome for the game. this was the first ride for both of us. apparently many others had the same idea, the train was absolutely packed! thank God we got on first and had seats to sit in. there were people standing in the aisles throughout the whole train. you literally could have shoved one and watched the rest fall down like a bunch of dominoes. yes, i was able to resist the urge to push one. barely. i got a little motion sickness, and had a hard time with the germ factor. but it was fun anyway.

the twins game was a total blast! we had awesome, lower level seats. the twins won 12-5! and let's face it, those boys are pretty easy on the eyes. hunter, mauer, morneau, cuddyer...mmm mmm mmm.

it. was. perfect.

peach margaritas

2007-04-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

it's been a long week. need i say more?

off to a great start...

2007-04-13T12:57:00.000-05:00

i have the day off today. i was supposed to go on a trip to see my bff in kansas city, but the trip got canceled due to her very pregnant state. she needs to be on bedrest as much as possible. so, i am left at home to my own devices. i'm sad i won't get to see her, but i will be driving down there as soon as i get the okay after her baby is born!

today it is absolutely gorgeous outside. not a cloud in the sky. temp around 50. i should be outside, soaking up every drop of that precious sunlight. but no. it's almost noon, and i am still in my pajamas. and my hair is a greasy mess. and i just had a cookie. for lunch. while i listen to my cranked itunes. and the dog chews up her toys at my feet.

i have a to do list a mile long. maybe i'll knock a couple off this afternoon. or maybe not. i have an appoinment with good friends, peach margaritas, chips and salsa at 5:30. and i don't want to be late.

* * *

"come back to texas! it's just not the same since you went away. before you lose your accent, forget all about the lonestar state. there's a seat for you at the rodeo and i've got every slow dance saved..."

thank God for small blessings.

2007-04-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

You Are 8% Paranoid Schizophrenic

You're so far from paranoid schizophrenic...
you probably found this quiz to be quite amusing.

Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

healthy food?

2007-04-11T13:48:00.000-05:00

help!!! i am in need of some healthy recipes that are fairly simple. and that kids won't hate. does anyone have any ideas, cookbooks or sites to refer me to?

my night as a sardine.

2007-04-10T10:17:00.001-05:00

though the universe seemed to be conspiring against it, i did end up going to the bob schneider concert with my sister on friday night. she lives over an hour away from me, and i was supposed to be at her house at 8. due to some drama with the bf, i didn't even end up leaving my place until just about 8.

i swear i got stuck at every possible stoplight on my way up. every. single. one. when i arrived at her house it was almost 9:30. i needed to fix the crackwhore look i had aquired during the drama with the bf before i left. i threw on a different shirt, touched up my makeup and we were off.

bob was due to start at around 10:00, so time was tight. there was a lot of construction in the area of the venue, so we had a hard time finding a place to park. finally we got a prime spot for FREE because of a connection my sis has through her husband.

we got inside and saw little "sold out" signs posted all over the box office. shit. sis had not purchased our tickets ahead of time. she was ready to cry. back out to the parking lot to talk to her "connection." we followed him back into the venue and were able to get in for FREE. sweet.

the place was beyond packed. bodies were squeezed together on the floor with not an inch of breathing room between them. i had flashbacks of seeing club fires on the news and everyone creating a stampede that caused our bodies to burn into a charred mass of wreckage. but, i trudged forward, following my starstruck sister through the pack of sardines. there weren't going to be any pyrotechnics tonight anyway, where there?

we barreled our way through the crowd, making our way towards the stage. some little old lady actually pushed me. "keep moving ladies, you aren't taking my spot!" she growled angrily. i turned around and told her that maybe if she got her effing hands off me i'd get out of her way.

finally we fould a halfway decent spot to plant ourselves. there were a few really young guys between us who were loud and obnoxious but friendly. they buffered us from the crowd most of the night.

after we settled into our spot i started sipping these:

well, sipping wouldn't be quite the correct terminology. i practically guzzled my first one. i mean hey, i wanted to be able to really get into this concert of music i did not know. and get into it i did. if you have never been to a bob schneider concert, know that it is very interactive. a lot of sing alongs, etc. the more woodpeckers i consumed the more confident i was shouting out the words to these unfamiliar songs. i think my body was moving to the music the entire two hours. it was a blast.

it was too bad my sister had to be sober cab, she wasn't able to join me on my quest for the ultimate buzz. and buzz i did. it was great. i would definitely do it again. um er...the concert that is.

work

2007-04-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

this place is literally sucking the life out of me.

to party or not to party? that is the question.

2007-04-06T13:59:00.000-05:00

my little sis invited me to a "concert" tonight. i use the term concert loosely because it is at the fineline in downtown minneapolis. does that count as a concert? hell, maybe it does. or is it technically a "show"? i'm not well versed in such matters. i can count on one hand the number of concerts i have been to.

we are going to see bob schneider. i no nothing of this man or his music. all i know is that i heard my sweet goodie goodie (or so i thought) little sis bellowing his dirty lyrics in a very inebriated state from the back seat of my car on halloween night. i never even thought she knew such words!

i have had very little opportunity in my life to party with my sister. for many years we were sort of arch enemies. she is only 18 months younger than i. we had some of the same boyfriends. (well, i had them FIRST of course) she was always the kiss-ass, mommy's little favorite. me? the consummate rebel. always in trouble in some way, shape or form.

in the last year or two my sis and i have finally connected. i am the godmother of her one year old son. i have cried on her shoulder and she on mine. rarely though, have we gone out and really partied together. tonight is the perfect opportunity. what's the holdup, you ask?

1. we have the kids this weekend. if i go, i am leaving the bf home with four kids tonight. alone.

2. my sis lives over an hour away. the concert will be done late. i'll have to spend the night on her couch.

3. there is the possibilty of an extreme hangover. and then having to drive home and spend time with four kids.

4. bf just had a HUGE fallout with his ex. maybe i should stay home and lend him a sympathetic ear tonight?

i always waffle on these issues. i am sort of a homebody. things like this come up and sound fun, but i always drag my feet, finding reasons not to go. maybe it's because there is so much go, go, go in my life. i just want to relax! but when i force myself to just GO, i nearly always have a good time. so, go you say. to hell with the waffling. just do it.

and i say...okay. fine. i will.

caught in the act

2007-04-06T09:54:00.000-05:00

i am never having sex again. my worst nightmare has come true. the bf and i were having a particularily um...acrobatic night on Wednesday. we were completely oblivious to the world around us. and let's just say we were in a very compromising position, which invloved me on the bed and him off the bed. in the midst of our throes of passion, i thought i heard something (or someone?) come into the room. i froze and pushed bf away. i looked ahead and to my left. there was my sleepy eyed daughter. just standing there in the dark.

seriously, i am done with sex. i think i'll become a nun.

nothin, i've got nothin!

2007-04-03T16:44:00.000-05:00

i've got nothin' today. nothin' at all to blog about. really.

the sky is grey. it's cold and sleeting/raining/snowy/windy.

my nose is stuffy. my head is aching.

work is really, really busy.

my stomach is not accepting food. i got nauseous while trying to eat my lunch today. (no, it's not what you are thinking. God forbid. there is some stupid bug going around at work. it seems to have latched on to me.)

bf keeps trying to feed me caffeine. why he thinks this will cure things is beyond me. i'm not buying it. i actually don't feel like eating or drinking anything, thank you. and if i do it won't be a calorie laden coffee drink. or a coca cola.

maybe i should go buy some 7up and saltines...

twins?

2007-04-02T17:20:00.000-05:00

previous post due to the fact that BBMG and i have decided that we look like twin crackwhores today. we both look and feel exhausted...under eye circles, pale faces, melting makeup and even sort of matching outfits. we'd post a pic but you would probably never read our blogs again. seriously, it's that bad. yikes.

Top 10 excuses for falling asleep at your desk.

2007-04-02T14:49:00.000-05:00

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up a contact lens without using my hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

i heart my bf

2007-04-02T08:58:00.000-05:00

i broke my phone saturday night. dropped it on the floor in my sister's entryway. broken beyond all hope of repair. i hated that damn phone, but it was my lifeline to the world. i don't have a landline anymore, haven't for over a year. how was anyone going to get in touch with me? let me know when i won that 1 million sweepstakes?

so yesterday i went all day without a phone. the kiddos and i drove to the twin cities for my nephew's birthday party. i felt weird without the phone. naked.

bf didn't go with me to the party. he stayed home and hung out with his kids.

last night after i got home and put the kids to bed, bf was acting funny. he picked up his phone and dialed. i could hear a muffled ringing coming from our bed. i reached under the pillow and found this:

i really, really heart my bf.

p.s.

did i also mention that the house was wonderfully clean when i got home? and the laundry was almost done?

i really, really, really, really heart my bf.

boys + workout videos = instant entertainment

2007-03-30T12:27:00.000-06:00

the bf has begun doing my denise austin workout video with me. i admit, i bullied him into it the first time. i needed to do it, he was home, and i didn't feel like sweating my ass off with him snickering nearby.

and besides, i am sick of him complaining about his ever growing waistline, anyway. over the winter he has built up quite the little budda belly. it needs to go.

the first time, he moaned and groaned and complained. but he got on his workout clothes. and gave it his all. i think he complained more because he felt like he should. i think he secretly wanted to do the workout with me anyway. he's kind of metro-sexual like that.

it was hard to keep my smirks to myself as he threw himself into the exercises. the grunting and groaning and straining to remain upright was hilarious. i swear the man has no balance. no flexiblity. he looked so uncomfortable doing the exercises. but he finished the video. and he did it with me again two nights later.

what a trooper. next up? billy blanks...

Office Space

2007-03-30T09:09:00.001-06:00

Peter Gibbons: Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

i've fallen. and i can't. get. up.

2007-03-29T13:21:00.000-06:00

i'm sooooooooooo tired.

benedryl hangover

2007-03-29T09:58:00.000-06:00

a few years ago during a particularily depressing time in my life, i was in desperate need of sleep. i saw a shrink who prescribed a number of prescription sleep remedies, none of which did the trick. said shrink then introduced me to the wonders of a little over the counter miracle called benedryl.

the benedryl did what no other drug before it had managed...it granted me sleep. the kind of sleep where you wake up in a puddle of drool, unsure of exactly who you are or what planet you hail from. it was bliss. eventually antidepressents resolved the depression as well as the sleep issue and i no longer needed my friend benedryl to help me into blissful slumber.

years later, a pediatrician clued me in on the useful application of benedryl in getting children to sleep. of course this was only to be used in extreme measures, such as long car trips, or overnight stays in strange places. i would never use it on a night where i just wanted the little buggers to settle down and give me some peace and quiet to keep me from going insane for f sakes! whew.

lately i have been having sleep issues again. tossing and turning throughout the night, waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. so, the night before last, i took two benedryl before bed. yes, two. i didn't want to mess around with just one pill. oh no. i wanted to make sure it WORKED.

i slept like a rock that first night. slept through the entire night. i woke up to my alarm yesterday completely foggy and groggy and my head felt like it weighed a ton. my limbs felt like they were moving in slow motion. actually, i suppose they were. i finally dragged myself out of bed and tried to get on with my day.

at work yesterday, i felt like a zombie. my mouth was like a cotton ball. my eyes were on fire. my head weighed a ton and was pounding incessantly. i was moving very slowly. i broke my new rule and had a cup of bf prescribed mt. dew. no help. it finally dawned on me late morning...i felt like i was hung-over. then, omg! it's the benedryl! i ended up taking yesterday afternoon off. i took a good two hour nap. woke up in a puddle of drool and still pretty groggy.

last night i didn't sleep well again. today i feel the same as i did yesterday.

note to self: just say no to benedryl over doses.

the real meaning of easter

2007-03-27T18:37:00.000-06:00

easter=eggs

right?

will the real easter bunny please stand up?

2007-03-27T18:09:00.000-06:00

tonight, the kids had an easter party at their daycare. and below is their picture with, you guessed it, the easter bunny.

after happily posing for pictures, my five year old daughter ky, jumped down, looked at the easter bunny and said accusingly:

"there's gotta be someone in there."

then: "mom, i think there's a teacher in there!"

kids everywhere ran screaming and crying to their parents, the myth of the easter bunny ruined for them all.

kidding

but it was funny, the contrast of the effect of our bunny friend on my three year old son.

as he hopped down from the bunny's lap, my darling son walked backwards, eyes on the bunny and wide with awe, bumping into people as he made his way back to me.

what a difference a couple of years makes.

deep thoughts...

2007-03-27T15:59:00.000-06:00

here's one for you BBMG!

when you go in for a job interview, i think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

health news

2007-03-27T08:04:00.000-06:00

last night i managed to drag myself through a 2.5 mile run. i was pretty proud of myself that i was able to keep running/jogging the entire time with no walking breaks, since it has been over 2 months since i last went running.

in other health news:

* went for a walk and a bit of jogging with the kids, bf and dog after work. raced the dog home the last block. lost.

* most definitely ingested the daily recommended amount of water. peed. a lot. very clear, thank you.

* resisted the majority of goodies brought in for a co-workers birthday. couldn't resist the cheese dip. thanks, BBMG.

* did not drink one single sip of regular soda. this includes the daily mountain dew habit i had aquired over the last two months. fell asleep under desk, but avoided empty calories.

stay tuned for even more exciting health updates yet to come...

waterlogged

2007-03-26T12:24:00.000-06:00

wa·ter·logged [waw-ter-lawgd, -logd, wot-er-]

–adjective

1. so filled or flooded with water as to be heavy or unmanageable, as a ship.
2. excessively saturated with or as if with water: waterlogged ground; waterlogged with fatigue.
3. a.k.a. Domestically Disabled Girl.

along with my rejuvenated exercise plan and goal to lose 10 pounds, i am trying to drink more water. this morning, i successfully mananged to ingest five cups of the complimentary ice water company t so kindly provides us with. and i swear to you, i have um...released twice as much. wtf? how can i get anything done here when i am running to the bathroom every five minutes!

wait...i get it now! they (the evil they) recommend the water because it forces me to get my arse up and moving as i go back and forth from the restroom countless times.

those sneaky bastards.

party gals part 2

2007-03-26T07:49:00.000-06:00

i promised to report on the "toy party" i went to on friday. so here goes...

i rode to the party with two of my old work pals, m & t. i haven't hung out with them in quite a while and can actually go a whole week or more at work without even running into them. we had a bit of a "falling out" almost a year ago, and things haven't been the same since then. t & i have slowly started to chat a bit again, but things won't ever be the same with us.

anyway, they were kind enough to let me ride with them. i wasn't particularily looking forward to the drive. the party was almost a half an hour away. what would we have to talk about for a half an hour? turns out it went just fine. t & i chatted up a storm while m occasionally chimed in from the back seat. all was well.

we were the first to arrive at the party and we immediately started pouring down the alcohol. i knew i was going to need the liquid courage for a sex toy party with co-workers.

there were a total of eight guests. all from work. and every single one went straight for the booze. after everyone had a good base down, we finally assembled in the host's cozy living room. i piled onto a little couch with two others.

then the toy show began! she started out pretty tame. lotions for shaving, some pheromone oil that was supposed to make everyone "happy". before long she was passing around all kinds rubbery toys and flavored lotions and potions. it was hilarious to watch everyone's reactions.

the girl next to me was snickering like a school girl and pointing out things like the "tickle his pickle" book from the catalog. and then she snickered some more.

another whom i would generally consider a prude was asking serious questions and wanting recommendations from the host and from the group. and what the hell, i gave her a few tips.

yet another chimed in with the occasional comment about her own apparently active sex life. (who would have guessed she ever even had sex?)

the party turned into a total riot. everyone hooting and hollering and laughing. it was pretty fun. even though they were all co-workers and i hardly knew some of them.

the party ended fairly late for this old gal, and we didn't get out of there till close to 11:00. after the party, everyone decided to head out to the bar. i was buzzing, feeling pretty good. i was totally game for more.

as we were getting ready to leave, it appeared that one of our party was a bit reluctant to head for the bar. she made some comment about how she "wouldn't be getting any" unless she went right home. whoa! too much information!

all in all it was a pretty fun night. i'm actually glad that i went. and i'm looking forward to receiving my "goodies".

today i start...

2007-03-26T07:29:00.000-06:00

today i start my get in shape again/weight loss plan. i admit it...i let things lapse over the winter. i ate whatever i wanted. i drank whatever i wanted. my running habit dwindled away to nothing. now i am left with an extra 8-10 pounds of winter flab.

the lovely sixes in my closet have remained folded and unmoved for months. it is unfortunate that all of my spring clothes are, you guessed it, sixes. and even more unfortunate that i oh-so-smartly got rid of all the larger sizes i wore as i transitioned down from my all time high of 12-14. i figured keeping only the smaller size would force me to stay on top of things. needless to say, this didn't work.

i refuse to go out and buy a wardobe of spring clothes in a larger size. i won't do it. i can't do it. really. instead i will get my butt outside for walks and activities with the kids after work. i will start running again. i will do my strength training tape with that annoying bitch, denise austin.

i will make it happen!

hunk 'o burnin' love

2007-03-23T16:37:00.000-06:00

today, the bf sent me this. taken at his desk. with his mac.

don't you just love technology? and sexy boys with a great sense of humor?

not exactly productive

2007-03-23T15:52:00.000-06:00

today, i am not a productive worker. i am not getting a whole lot done. maybe it's because it is absolutely gorgeous outside. gorgeous and distracting. i can feel the warmth of the sun beating down from the window behind me. all i can think is that i would like to get out of here and get out there. go to a bar with a patio. drink a fruity concoction adorned with a paper umbrella.

one hour, eight minutes and counting...

rollerblades?

2007-03-23T13:41:00.000-06:00

so, the latest is that the bf wants to get some of these:

(i would assume that his would not be pink.)

i'm not convinced that the whole rollerblading thing is a great idea. isn't rollerblading for those cute little college girls with the spandex shorts and sports bras? the bleach blondes who seem to float effortlessly around the university campus? while men young and old (especially old) ogle them?

i have these visions of my thirty year old butt out there, trying to look as hot as those young girls...and failing miserably. blocking the trail after falling on my ass. after falling to remain upright.

and is there really exercise value in rollerblading? perhaps there is for me, just trying to keep my balance will probably be an act of God.

why can't the bf be into running?

party gals part 1

2007-03-23T07:26:00.000-06:00

tonight i am going to a "party gals" party. you know, the kind of party where they sell...ahem..."toys". for adults. oddly enough, i have never been to one of these toy parties before. i have been invited but there were always other events that prevented me from going. not so, tonight. i am going. albeit reluctantly.

first of all, the name "party gals" is a bit of a turn off for me. gals??? c'mon people! are we living in 1940? i'm pretty sure the women of the 40's didn't have toy parties. or know what toys were. or even what sex was for that matter. gals makes me think of grandmas. who wants to be thinking "grandma" as they shop for sex toys?

secondly, take a look at their website. (only if you are at home!) it's well...cheesy. and they don't give good information about their items. go to the "pure romance" site and you almost feel classy as you browse for anal beads and flavored lube. not so on the good ole' party gals sight. its a bit obnoxious.

thirdly, (yes, thirdly) the party is being given by someone i work with. which means she has invited other people from work. i'm not sure i want to know what kind of vibrator jane is using, or that darcy is into feathers, or that jenny already owns half the collection. or whatever. i don't want to even think about them having sex, much less see what they buy. eeww. it's just not a sexy thought. at all.

but, i am going. because i like the girl who is throwing the party. and because she is so excited to be starting her new "business". and because i can't bear to see her sad little puppy-dog eyes if i tell her i'm not going. and yes, i admit, i am very curious about their, uh, products.

i may need to down a couple of quick ones before heading off to the party. a little liquid courage down the gullet.

stay tuned for more on the party...

anticipation

2007-03-22T09:38:00.000-06:00

you know how sometimes, when you are waiting for something for a really long time, and then it finally happens, and it's just not quite what you were hoping for?

i really hate it that.

wrong

2007-03-21T14:03:00.000-06:00

why is it that though i am the one being denied my, ah...physcial needs, the bf is the one walking around acting like someone died? all pouty and sad and quiet. wtf? i am the one who should be pouting here, people! i am the one feeling undesirable. he should be strutting around like a peacock, knowing that his woman wants him.

this role reversal is baffling to me.

rough patch

2007-03-20T21:02:00.000-06:00

so, bf and i have definitely hit a rough patch. it's not that we aren't getting along at the moment...we are. but we have had some serious discussions in the last couple of days. tonight we got onto the topic of his cheating. not in an accusatory way, but i told him that i am probably going to go to counseling. because seriously people, it has WRECKED my self esteem. there is a lot i have been able to get past, but there is some i think i need help with. because i want to make us work, for all the good stuff we have. and we do have a lot of good stuff.

the bf has gone to counseling before himself, and was mocking it a bit. saying the counselor would tell me to "rid myself of the baggage, blah blah blah..." meaning ridding myself of him. whatever.

anyway, i was taking serious issue with the fact that he doesn't think what he did was actually cheating. he said it doesn't count because "his heart wasn't in it." and "it wasn't like he went out looking to cheat." lame. totally lame. i don't think i need to waste time telling you why these are both extremely lame excuses. so i won't.

the end

my deadly sins

2007-03-20T16:52:00.000-06:00

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 40%

Envy: 20%

Gluttony: 20%

Lust: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Greed: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 17%

You will die in prison, in a puddle of your own blood.

How Sinful Are You?

after posting this i realized it looks oddly reminicent of a nutritional label. i suppose it sort of is though...it's a label of the contents of me.

i wonder which of my transgressions will land me in prision?

let's get the party started!

2007-03-16T20:06:00.000-06:00

here i sit, waiting for bf to relieve me of my shift with the kids so i can go party it up with my fave co-worker, a! it's her birthday! the bf was supposed to be home an hour ago. but of course, he is late again. so here i sit, all dressed up and no place to go.

*also, obviously so bored that i sat here taking pictures of myself. sad. but hey, it's not very often i take the time to curl my lovely locks! gotta document it somehow!

reflections

2007-03-16T15:08:00.000-06:00

i started this blog as a venting tool. i just wanted to get my relationship issues written down, it helps me think so much better. it's easier for me to sort things out when i write. and it's always interesting, (though sometimes embarrassing) to look back on what i thought a day, week or even a few months ago.

bf and i are doing fine. i definitely think our relationship is better now that it was six months ago. there is much less fighting and much more understanding of each other's wants, needs and quirks. our relationship started out different from any other i've ever had. that is to say...it started out rocky. very rocky. most relationships start out all fairy-tale like. not ours. we had issues from the beginning. maybe that comes from the fact that we are both divorced, both have our own kids. maybe it's because the bf is the most confrontational person i have ever dated, much less been friends with. it was sort of a rude awakening. and refreshing at the same time. my ex husband would never tell me what he was mad about. it drove me crazy. that is one thing i usually don't have to worry about with the bf. he is not afraid to tell me what i am doing wrong. which is fine, i've never had a problem telling him what he's doing wrong, either. we're also very good at telling each other what we are doing right. and lately that list is getting longer for both of us.

i feel like the "only" issue left to conquer is trust. i know, that's a pretty big one. but no matter what anyone says, it is tough to get over the feeling of betrayal when someone cheats. it definitely get's better, less raw. but there are times when the pain of it is still very real, very acute. maybe it's worse in our case because the "affair" went on for a while. it wasn't just some stupid one night stand, where someone got drunk and got carried away. it was longer term. written via im. and i had the misfortune to read the emotional exchanges between them. and no matter if he says it was all for show. there were things i read that still pop into my head and hurt. deeply. there is no point in recounting them here.

will i ever really be able to get over it? i'm still not sure. i rarely bring it up to him anymore. it's more of an inner struggle for me. overall i am very happy with the bf. but there is always that question in the back of my mind. is he chatting again? with her? with anyone? or when he stays late at work: is she there too? has he broken his promise and started communicating with her again? because even the thought of a "hi" or a secret smile between them makes me ill.

i spent some time with my sis, (we'll call her teacher) last weekend and she definitely helped to build my ego. there was some hot guy that was eyeing me (?) at the restaurant bar we were drinking at. she wanted me to talk to him. and I kept saying how he was too hot for me anyway. teacher kept saying "no, he isn't, blah blah blah." then she said "shades (her hubby) said you are looking really good these days, and you could get most any guy you wanted." (granted, this would be 30+ guys.) kind of weird for my brother-in-law to say to my sister, his wife. even more weird that she relayed it. but hey...i'll take it! i lost 30 pounds about a year and a half ago. i feel like i've earned the compliments. and i figure this is one that it won't hurt to slip to the bf!

smarter than a fifth grader?

2007-03-16T09:10:00.000-06:00

You Are Not a Dumb American

You got 8/10 correct.
You know a good deal about American history, but there's some basic facts you have wrong.
Time to go back to history class!

Are You a Dumb American?

happy early birthday a!

2007-03-16T09:07:00.000-06:00

happy birthday to my fave co-worker, a! i hope i am able to come out and party it up with you tonight!

you need a what?

2007-03-15T09:15:00.000-06:00

last night while the bf was downstairs showering, i heard a shout. i didn't go downstairs and check on him. bf can be really dramatic, and he also likes to sing...loudly and off-key. i figured it was one or the other.

about ten minutes later i heard him shuffling up the stairs from the basement, moving very slowly. as he rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, i saw that he was bent over, caveman style. he looked absolutely pathetic. in pain. agony. he explained that he had hurt himself in the shower. while trying to lift his leg and wash his foot. how does one not laugh at that vision?

he made it over to the bed and sat down. it took him literally ten minutes to move from one side of the bed to the other. we got him situated with a heating pad under his back and a pillow under his knees. i grabbed him some advil and he popped three of them.

he looked over at me with puppy dog eyes and said...

"so, do you think we need to call an ambulance?"

are you serious?

why is it that men always think they are dying when they are not feeling well? when i'm not feeling well i'm still expected to make dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, get the kids bathed and to bed... and maybe give a blow job. i think i was born the wrong gender.

proud to be an ass

2007-03-14T14:13:00.000-06:00

You Are 64% Democrat

You have a good deal of donkey running through your blood, and you're proud to be liberal.
You don't fit every Democrat stereotype, but you definitely belong in the Democrat party.

How Democrat Are You?

wow, that's old!

2007-03-14T10:46:00.000-06:00

yesterday i took the day off work to spend with my daughter. she had kindergarten round-up! man, did that make me feel old. and sad. i could barely hold back the tears as i dropped her off at the elementary school classroom for her 1.5 hour visit. sometimes i'm such a sap.

co-workers who find out i have children are often surprised. "you have kids? you don't look old enough to have kids." really? have you seen the strech marks on my tummy? the bags under my eyes? the kid-snot on my nice dry clean only coat?

i am now thirty years old. thirty. i still get carded when i go to buy alcohol. which at this point, actually flatters me. not sure if i should really be flattered, but i am. when i'm not annoyed at having to dig out my license.

yesterday at walmart (please don't tell anyone i went shopping there) the clerk carded me. " you don't look that old!" she exclaimed as she looked at it. wow. should i be upset that she thinks thirty is old, which makes me old? or should i be happy that she doesn't think i look thirty?

what a conundrum.

that's more like it!

2007-03-14T09:55:00.000-06:00

You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive.
And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

seriously?

2007-03-12T08:55:00.000-06:00

last night when the kiddos got back from their dad's house, my five year old, ky, told us that her brother had been really naughty to her while they were there. she said that when her dad was in the shower, her three year old brother had done the following:

1. hit her.
2. punched her.
3. bit her. twice.
4. threw a shoe at her.
5. kicked her.
6. spit at her.

this is basically the exact same story she told last time they got home from their dad's. and ko got in BIG trouble. i think she enjoyed that. needless to say, we were a slight bit suspicios about her tale last night. so, the bf and i decided to quiz her a bit. the following is based on our actual exchange.

us: "so, ky...your brother was naughty to you again?"

ky: "yes!"

us: "what did he do to you?"

ky: "he hit me, and he punched me, and he spit in my eyes, and he kicked me, and threw a shoe at me, and he bit me here and here."

us: "really?"

ky: "yes." (looks all sad)

us: "so, did he kick you in the knee?"

ky: "yes."

us: "did he kick you in the other knee?"

ky: "yes."

us: "did he kick you in the back?"

ky: "yes."

us: "how about in the stomach?"

ky: "yes."

us: "did he throw a shoe at you?"

ky: "yes."

us: "did he throw four shoes at you?"

ky: "yes."

us: "really? four shoes?"

ky: "uh huh." (looks a bit worried)

us: "did he throw eight shoes at you?"

ky: "yes." (starting to sweat)

us: "are you sure? he really threw eight shoes at you?"

ky: nods.

us: "wow. that's a lot of shoes."

ky: "uh huh."

us: "are you sure all of this happened?"

ky: "yes..." (looks a bit nervous)

a bit more quizzing revealed that my dearest daughter had been lying through her teeth about her brother. thank goodness the bf was there with me, because i found the whole exchange to be hysterically funny. i felt like we were laywers. for the prosecution. i could barely contain my giggles.

seriously.

nooner!

2007-03-09T14:09:00.000-06:00

wow. i love hot, spontaneous, lunch time sex. and i really love going back to work giggling like two little kids with a naughty secret. oh happy, happy day! everyone negative stay out of my way!

i'm a what?

2007-03-09T10:23:00.000-06:00

You Were a Peacock

You carry yourself with beauty, dignity, and confidence.
You are able to see the past, present, and future with clarity.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

oooooo!!!! too funny! me? see the past, present and future with clarity? um...hello? have you seen my blog people?

you'll notice though, i am not disputing the part about beauty, dignity and confidence.

happy friday.

mcdonalds rules the world

2007-03-08T18:47:00.000-06:00

ahh...the glorious happy meal. the 500+ calorie, 25 grams of fat convenience food of which our children are so fond. as american as apple pie and baseball. tonight, i have given in to the lure of the easy meal. my children are sitting at the table right now, eating mcnuggets to their hearts' content. although i doubt their hearts are actually content. they are probably working overtime and pissed as hell.

i have a love-hate relationship with the happy meal. i hate mcdonalds. hate. it. i especially hate their supid commericals. by the time she was two my daughter would sing the little "baa baa baa" ditty every time she caught a glimpse of the golden arches. probably before she could even say mamma. actually, i'm pretty sure it was before she said mamma. and i don't think she had ever even eaten there.

the marketing machine that is mcdonald's rules the world and most of us don't even know it. we are oblivious. until something like this happens:

* * *

ronald mcdonald. the most recognized figure in america. i rest my case.

that lovin' feeling

2007-03-06T15:56:00.000-06:00

a first in the history of my relationship with the bf: he's mad about lack of sex. um, yeah.

the bf and i have been dating almost a year. we have been sex fiends from the beginning. it's awesome. i thouroughly enjoy being a sex fiend.

the last time we...you know...was saturday. during the day. i love daytime sex.

the last few nights i have been really tired and generally just not in the mood. i feel asleep before anything happened. last night i read a book while bf was next to me in bed. sleeping. i thought?

this morning while in bed he muttered...."do you not find me sexy anymore?" sometimes bf is such. a. girl. "of course i find you sexy sweetie! i'm sorry!" i kissed and groveled. apparently it did no good.

bf ignored me all morning at work. i played the childish game of "hanging up" on him im style, after parting words of "sorry for bothering you." no response. so i went invisible.

i developed a severe headache over the course of the morning. i waited till noon and didn't hear anything from bf. so i left. and didn't go back to work after lunch. he called around two. i didn't bother answering. no message.

he just called again around three thirty. i answered. this is when i confirmed that yes, he is indeed mad about being "ignored" the last two nights. good grief. give a girl a break. and is it really worth getting that pissed about? because i mean, man...nothing is sexier than a pissed off bf, right?

till death do us part?

2007-03-06T10:17:00.000-06:00

it's incredibly ironic that i work for a company that is huge into the wedding invitation business. traditional weddings and all the cheesy hoopla surrounding them have never been my thing. when i was ready to say my vows, i eloped and got married in vegas. granted, the marriage only lasted 5 years, but i don't believe it would have mattered if i had had a huge church wedding with all the trappings. and i honestly don't think God cared that i didn't have a four tiered, buttercream frosted, chocolate drizzled cake to serve some 300+ guests. my ex husband and i were just not destined to make it.

it's not only weddings that i am not into these days, it's marriage itself. maybe not even marriage, but long term relationships in general. i have had several long term relationships in my life. two years here, five years there...seven more here. i don't believe in men anymore. as much as i love my bf, and i know he wants to marry me, and he says he wants to grow old together, i don't buy it. i'm sure he means it right now. but i can't make myself belive he will still feel that way five, ten or twenty years from now.

he will get bored...maybe cheat again. become addicted to online chatting, or get wrapped up into something like that "second life" website. he will stop wanting to hang out with me and go back to working all the time. he won't find me sexy and will need porn to put him in the mood. he will oogle other women in front of me.

and it's not just him. i feel like it would be like that with anyone. i have lost my faith in the long term, monogomus relationship.

or maybe i am just going through some messed up, 30 year old midlife crisis.

let it snow

2007-03-05T13:57:00.000-06:00

these are pictures of the view out of my townhome window today. probably doesn't look like much to all you die hards up north, but this is the most snow we southerners have seen in years! i am hoping it hangs around just long enough for us to take all of the kids out sledding.

i heart my daughter

2007-03-03T15:30:00.000-06:00

ky, my little poser, my mini-me. the one who talks so cheerfully non-stop on the way to daycare and work every morning. the one who gives her mommy random hugs and kisses or shouts "i love you mommy!" out of the blue. the one who has made literally hundreds of pictures to decorate my "office". i always think i am ready to have the weekend off... but i miss you when you are gone.

say my name, say my name...

2007-03-01T18:56:00.000-06:00

so, tonight bf called me by the wrong name again. he called me by his ex-wife's name. it has happened once before. granted, we had just been talking about her a few mintues before. still! then he has the gall to be defensive and pissy at me when i teased him for looking up topless pictures of a girl from american idol. what more can i say?

wino

2007-02-28T14:24:00.000-06:00

i am thinking about becoming a wino. no hard liquor, no beer for this girl. just wine. okay, and maybe the occasional strawberry daquari. which would require rum. but i digress...

i would have a glass or two a day. just enough to give me that warm, happy tingly feeling. until of course, it started to take three, then four or five glasses for that same feeling. forget the fact that my father is a raging alcoholic whose main goal in his sorry life is where he is going to get the money for his next fix of nicotine and alcohol. or the fact that although i enjoy the occasional light buzz, i actually thoroughly despise being out of control of my body and getting truly drunk. or that i really feel that turning to alcohol to cope is a sorry-ass, weak thing to do.

right now, i don't care about any of that. just bring on the muscato di asti, please.

irritable

2007-02-27T19:21:00.000-06:00

i have have been very irritable lately. work has been absolutely CRAZY. it seems like i am always saying that, but it just gets worse and worse. plus, everything the kids do is making me nuts. and i mean everything. poor dears are having to deal with a very irritable mommy.

i have been trying to come up with something clever to blog about, but my brain is mush. i did come up with this though: a "things i hate" list. i have seen a lot of blogs lately that list out things people like, or info about their personality. my mood right now dictates that my list is about the negative, so here goes:

10 things i hate

1. people who are always late.
2. dog kisses on my face.
3. people who cancel plans at the last minute.
4. people talking to me when i am reading a good book.
5. cleaning up someone else's vomit.
6. people who are fake.
7. snotty women.
8. tall women with shorter men.
9. people who sing and don't know the words.
10. fake laughter

there are many, many more where these came from, but in the interest of avoiding severe depression, i will refrain from listing out more at this time.

have a swell day.